Starstruck (the Idea of Always)

Woensdag 11:17

JENS
When Jens woke up, Lucas was gone.

Jens shifted, rolling up the ceiling and sighing, and then reached to his bedside table, pulling the pillow next to him to his chest (it smelled like Lucas), and grabbed his phone. The only notifications were from the Broerrrs.

Robbe: Where did you go?
Moyo: Broooo
Aaron: Everything okay?
Moyo: You good?
Robbe: Jensssssssss

Jens laughed quietly at their drunken messages, appreciating that they had checked on him, and then paused before he messaged them back. He didn't want to say anything about Lucas, because he didn't know if he was out, or okay with people knowing.

     I'm fine, it just got too loud
     Glad you guys had fun :)

Jens dropped the phone next to him and closed his eyes, thinking back to the night before.
Lucas had raised his eyebrows to Jens before Jens asked if he could kiss him. Like he was waiting for him. Like he wanted it too.

Jens smiled into the pillow.

And then sat up, realizing Lucas hadn't messaged him when he left. He opened the messages between the two of them, the last messages from before the party.

Jens stretched his back, groaning quietly, and stood to get dressed, deciding that he would text Lucas later.

LUCAS
The truth was that Lucas had panicked.

Not just "panicked," but panicked. It was about three in the morning when he woke up and looked up at Jens. Jens's back was to him, and he had one hand hooked around his own waist like he was cold.

Lucas had looked at him for a second before everything went bad. His thoughts closed in around him like walls, his heartbeat got too loud, his breathing got too loud, he couldn't stop moving his hands and feet, bouncing them up and down, shaking. He had stood, not wanting to make movement on the mattress so much that he woke Jens up, and didn't even think before he was putting his shoes on and walking to the front door of Jens's apartment.

He had found himself on the street outside, breathing quickly, pacing back and forth on the sidewalk, his hands shaking violently, rubbing his face, crouching down on the pavement, holding his head in his hands, trying his hardest to ground himself as he became lightheaded, breathing roughly. But it didn't work very well.

Lucas sat up in bed now, huffing and rubbing his face harshly. He was exhausted. He'd hardly slept, even after finally getting to his hotel room at about five. He hadn't told Ralph where he'd been, or what had happened, and he hadn't wanted to message Jens.

He didn't want to put this on him. It was too much. And it wasn't Jens's problem.

If he stayed with Jens, it was bound to happen around him. These moments happened every once in a while, these moments where everything was too much and not enough all at the same time. Where his thoughts were so loud they were like white noise in the back of his mind, screaming and whispering about what he should and shouldn't do. Where he couldn't keep still, he had to move and shake and pace. Where he couldn't be around people.

But hated to be by himself.

Nobody ever seemed to know what to do when he was like this, they just seemed to know to give him space. (But even then, there were people who wanted to hold him and hug him. Those times never ended well.) He hadn't had a moment like this around people in a while, not since he was a kid, and when he was a kid, people always said the same thing.

"Take deep breaths."

"Count to ten."

"Calm down."

"It's okay."

It was never okay.

     And it wasn't okay right now.