Starstruck (the Idea of Always)

Zondag 12:27

Jens
There were a lot of stairs on the way to Milan's apartment.

Jens had never really thought about it before, but today, every step felt like he was carrying ten pounds in every pocket he had.

When he finally knocked on the door, it occurred to him that Milan might not be home and the feeling grew like wildfire, dread building in his chest, when Zoë answered the door, her lips a bold red.

"Jens!" She hadn't been expecting him, he knew, as she skimmed his face and glanced down his body like she was making sure he was real. "What are you doing here?"

"Are Milan and Ralph here?" he asked, skipping a greeting.

"Yeah, they're in the kitchen. Is everything okay?" she asked as he began to push past her.

Jens heard the door shut behind him and Zoë as he made his way to find them. They were both sitting at the table, coffee cups in hand, a plate of crisps between them, a faintly solemn mood in the air. They both looked up when he walked in, Zoë right behind him.

"Hey." Milan's voice was more toned down than usual, a slightly parental sound to it. "Everything okay?"

"Uhm..." Jens paused, not knowing exactly what to say. He glanced at Zoë, remembering that she was there.

"Zoë, can you give us some time?" Milan was the only one who knew her well enough to ask her to leave. She gave him a worried look, completely in the dark about what was happening, and touched Jens's shoulder gently before turning and leaving. Jens heard the front door shut a few seconds later.

The three of them remained silent for another second, Jens glancing up at both of them before Milan pushed a chair out from the table. Jens dropped into the seat before looking up at Ralph, his eyes tired.

"Did he say anything to you?"

Ralph lowered his mug slowly and looked back at him.

"Just about his mom, that's it. He sounded..." His voice trailed off as he saw Jens's face contort in confusion.

"What about his mom?"

"He didn't tell you about..."

Jens shook his head, his eyes stinging. "What happened?"

"He didn't really say, he just said she's in the hospital. He sounded..." Ralph took a deep breath. "Scared."

Jens sighed, covering his face with his hands, his elbows on the table. He felt Milan's hand run over his shoulder.

"He really didn't tell you?"

Jens shook his head again, saying "He didn't tell me anything," his voice muffled by his hands. "At all. He just left." He uncovered his face, revealing his eyes, wet with tears. "He didn't say anything. Even when I said his name a bunch of times. It was like he couldn't hear me."

Ralph sighed, bringing his shoulders up in a half-shrug.

"Maybe he was just...freaking out." He scratched the back of his head. "I mean, I don't really know what actually happened with his mom, just that she's in the hospital. Maybe she..." He cut himself off, his eyes darting to Jens. "You know about his mom, right?"

"Yeah." The thought of what Lucas's mom might have been though made Jens feel worse. He'd never met her, but still. She was Lucas's mom. Lucas's mom who loved Lucas, sent him Bible verses that he didn't like but she sent because they made her feel better, made her feel safe. "Fuck." He dropped his head, his forehead on his forearms.

"What's up with his mom?" Milan asked. Jens didn't answer.

"She's bipolar," Ralph responded before placing his hand on Jens's head, ruffling his hair gently.

Jens sniffed, tears dropping onto the table under him. Maybe she had gone through something similar to what Sander had been through, what Robbe had said happened. Or maybe she had tried to hurt herself, the thought of which made Jens's chest tighten, and his eyes to squeeze shut.

He heard a chair scrape the floor and listened as Milan made his way to the counter, pouring a cup of coffee. Jens focused on the sounds of it, focused on the feeling of Ralph's hand in his hair, gentle scratching on his scalp, and tried to control his breathing, so the crying didn't become the desperate, gasping kind of crying that hurt so much. He sat up when he heard a mug be placed in front of him, Ralph's hand falling, and wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

"I'm fine," he mumbled, pulling the mug closer and holding his head over it, the steam washing over his face.

They sat in silence.

Jens closed his eyes, sighing shakily, and held his head on his hands. "What do I do?"

"I..." Ralph shrugged. "Give him time, I think. I mean, I don't know how his mom is, how bad it is. Maybe just send him a message. A text. And just... Be there if he needs you."

Always.

Jens nodded.