Starstruck (the Idea of Always)

Woensdag 17:12

Lucas
Lucas didn't realise the doorbell had rung until it rang a second time. He looked up, the sound of it echoing in his head, unsure of whether or not he actually heard it, until it rang a third time, and the pushed his sketchbook and laptop away from himself, taking off his headphones, and shutting the laptop, hiding Jens's face from his living room, before making it way to the door, stumbling from fatigue. He could still hear his music coming from his headphones, not bothering to pause it.

He tripped over a shoe, stretching his arms out. He hadn't stood for hours, sitting on the couch, curled up with his sketchbook in his lap, copying Jens into messy sketches and scribbles, tossing aside pages filled with his face. Most of them were from Jens's Instagram, because Lucas could access those online. He couldn't open his phone, could barely even hold it without cutting skin of his fingers on the broken glass, and couldn't open the photos he'd taken of Jens in the times they'd hung out or the silly selfies Jens had taken on his phone. Lucas had tried drawing them from memory, and ended up ripping them from the book, crumpling them into balls and throwing them across the room. (There were paper balls scattered across the whole room.)

He peered through the peephole of the door and froze upon seeing Kes standing there, looking down at his phone, a skateboard between his legs. Lucas thought about leaving, going back to the sofa, ignoring Kes, knowing he'd leave eventually.

But they hadn't talked in days.

He unlatched the lock and swung the door open.

Kes startled, and looked up at Lucas, turning his phone off and sliding it into his pocket.

"Hey."

Lucas tried for a smile and nodded, stepping out and leaving the door ajar behind himself. They stared at each other for a few silent seconds, the air between them awkward.

"Zoë said Ralph was back in town." Kes scanned his face, analyzing the bags under his faintly bloodshot eyes, his dry and raw lips. "I figured you were back too. But I haven't heard from you." More silence. "Is everything okay?"

Lucas didn't even know Ralph had left Antwerp.

He took a sharp breath before answering.

"I broke my phone," he said, his voice ragged from disuse.

Kes nodded, his lips pressing together in a sympathetic half-smile.

"How was Belgium?" he asked after a few more seconds.

Lucas sighed, putting his hands in the pocket of his hoodie, his fingers twisting together.

"Good. I met a lot of people."

"Friends of Ralph's, I'm guessing."

A pause, before a nod.

Kes looked over Lucas again and Lucas was glad his hands and their tremors were hidden. Lucas's shoulders were tense, uncomfortable, and he shivered in the cold. He hadn't bothered to put on a shirt under the hoodie he wore.

"Jayden and some other guys are at the skate park." They made eye contact. "Do you want to hang out?"

"I don't--" His voice cut off, the words jumping out of his mouth before his mind told him what to say. "I don't feel like...people." His brain felt muddled, possible responses blurred and discoloured.

"That's okay," Kes said quietly. He seemed to understand.

Lucas swallowed, staring into Kes's eyes. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

"You sure you're okay?"

Lucas took a shuddering breath and shrugged nonchalantly, biting his pursed lip.

"Did something happen?" Kes's voice was gentle.

"Just my--my mom had an... an episode."

"Is she okay?"

Lucas nodded reassuringly. "She okay, I'm just..."

Kes stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Lucas, and Lucas buried his face in his shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut as he pulled his arms out from between them. His fingers tightened, gripping Kes's jacket, pulling him closer, until he felt Kes's chest press to his, Kes's arms around his neck, his fingers in his hair.

Lucas didn't let himself cry, even when he felt his eyes sting as he thought of Jens's hands in his hair, even as his lip quivered and his breath shortened.

"Good?" he heard Kes's voice said softly in his ear.

He let a few seconds pass before nodding and pulling away, letting go of Kes's jacket, the skin on his neck and face becoming cold in the icy air.

"Thanks," he said quietly, almost whispering.

Kes nodded, kicking the end of his skateboard and catching the other side.

"You just need some time?"

"I think so."

"That's okay."

Lucas looked at Kes intensely (Thank you.) before turning to the door slightly.

"Call me or something when you can, yeah?" Kes asked.

Lucas smiled and nodded, holding his hand out for him to take, and Kes hit their palms together.

"Don't worry about it." Kes gave him a smile before leaving.

Lucas shut the door as quietly as he could, despite being the only one in the house. He pressed his back to the door, dropping his head back, his eyes closed, his breathing steady for the first time in hours. Don't worry about it. Lucas wished he could have gone with Kes, gone to the park with the guys, taken Jens's skateboard with him.

He wished he could have just opened his mouth and told Kes everything, told him everything the way he was supposed to tell his best friend everything. Could have told Kes about Jens, about everything. Everything.

He wished he could talk. Could just open his mouth and let words out, the way people do.

The way normal people do.

"Stop," he said firmly to no one, before opening his eyes and lifting his head, pushing himself off the door and stepping over shoes and the curl in the carpet that always tripped him, until he collapsed onto the sofa, catching his pencil before it fell into the crack between the cushions that widened when his weight fell onto one of them.

He pulled on his headphones, starting the song over, and let the music play, the song noisy and loud, the bass feeling like a pulse in his brain, and opened the picture of Jens he was drawing before Kes showed up. He gazed, his eyes running over his face fondly before reaching over his laptop to grab his sketchbook.

As the sun set and the stars came out to shine, Lucas didn't notice. His head and ears hurt from his headphones and the music, the singer screaming in his ears, the drums beating thoughts out of his head, but somehow, when he took the headphones off and paused the music, it hurt more.

So he put them back on, and pressed play.

And he kept drawing.