Starstruck (the Idea of Always)

Maandag 17:19

JENS
Jens sat against his wall, his legs strewn out in front of him as he stared at his phone, the screen dark. His eyebrows were drawn together, and he bit his lip. He had developed a habit of biting his lip, causing it to bleed every once in a while. He hated it. His school books and homework were on his bed at his feet, completely disregarded.

Music was playing from his phone quietly, not that he was really listening to it. He dropped his head against the wall, his eyelids dropping until his eyes were almost closed, and he shifted, moving further down. He took a deep breath, looking up at his ceiling. He bounced his feet without noticing.

He reached to his bedside table and grabbed a joint from the plate. He placed it between his lips and left it there, exhaling around it.

He sat.

And smoked.

And waited.

He didn't know what he was waiting for exactly. Waiting to feel better. To feel like he wasn't completely empty. Completely dead.

He hadn't talked to any of the guys since he'd snapped at them. He hadn't wanted to. He felt like he was going to snap at them again, for God knows what. He'd been angry lately. About anything and everything. He stormed away from dinner the night before because Lotte was chewing too loudly. And his mother kept scraping her fork against her plate. He had this feeling in his body, stuck in his shoulder and neck, stuck in his head, this tension, that felt like just anger. He didn't want to take anything out on Lotte or his mom, but at the moment that he slammed his fork down and pushed himself away from the table, the chairs scraping loudly on the floor, startling both of them, he didn't care.

And although he didn't think it, it felt like he would ever care. He felt like that right now, like he didn't care that he'd cut off his best friends. He didn't care that his phone had buzzed so much with texts from them that he'd shut it off.

It felt like he would never care again. Or be happy, or normal. Like the feeling he's been feeling was stuck permanently in him.

It felt like he would never be Jens again.