Starstruck (the Idea of Always)

Dinsdag 08:03

(tw//internalised homophobia)
JENS
Looking up from his phone, Jens accidentally caught Robbe's eyes, and Robbe motioned for Jens to join him and the others across the courtyard.

Jens let out a sigh and walked over to them, keeping his eyes on his phone until he was standing next to them. When he could see their feet in his peripheral vision he looked up to see that all three of them were looking at him, Moyo and Aaron with wary expressions on their faces. He exchanged ca vas with them, bumping their fists together.

"Everything's okay?" Robbe asked, his eyebrows turning upward.

"Yeah."

"You're sure?"

"Yes."

He knew it was ridiculous to be scared to tell Robbe what was happening. That he liked a boy. But he couldn't work up the nerve to it. Maybe it was something about how the words Moyo had said when Robbe opened about Sander had stuck and stayed under Jens's skin like splinters, or something about how a long time ago, before Lotte was even born, his father said things like that, too.

Things about the colors Jens wanted to wear, or the fact that Jens didn't ever hang out with boys. The day Jens wanted to help his mother with dinner for the first time, his mom had smiled and said she'd appreciate it. His father had asked if he was a fag.

Maybe that was why Jens never voiced his thoughts on how pretty he thought boys were. It was disgusting of him, at least in his father's eyes. It was disgraceful. He would never say these things out loud. He knew there was nothing wrong with being gay, he knew there was nothing wrong with Robbe, or Milan, or Sander, but when he thought of it for himself...he couldn't help but feel ashamed.

He'd been raised with the idea that he was supposed to be better. And he hated the idea that he fed into the stereotypes that people like his father were so dedicated, that boys who liked dolls and pretty things were bound to be gay. He hated it.

"Uh, what's going on?"Aaron asked after a few seconds of silence.

"Nothing, it's fine." Jens huffed and pulled on his backpack strap, uncomfortable.

"Jens, we know you. It's not fine," Moyo said.

"Just—" Jens was starting to get frustrated again. "Just leave it."

"Jens—"

"I said leave it." And suddenly there it was, ripping through his chest, tearing through his
teeth.

The boys stared at him.

"Jesus," Jens said under his breath as he looked away, exasperated.

They all stood awkwardly for a minute before Jens looked back at them.

"You guys don't have anything else to talk about?" he asked.

"No, apparently if we say anything at all, you get upset, so..." Moyo said.

"Seriously?"

"We're asking if you're okay, and you're getting pissed!"

"Maybe that's because you guys clearly don't know when to back off," Jens said, stepping closer.

"Guys." Robbe stepped in, touching Jens's shoulder, holding him back from Moyo.

Jens smacked him hand away, glaring at him before diverting his eyes to Moyo and then Aaron.

As he turned and walked away toward the school, the bell rang, and he got caught in a wave of students pushing through the front doors.