Safe In Sorrow (Careful reboot)

Forty Four: The Rattle In Your Bones

*Reminder* this is a flashback/ dream while he's asleep*

January 27, 1901

Tomorrow I am leaving.

I have officially packed my things and will make my way to a local inn and take up lodging first thing tomorrow afternoon. My family is severely sick and I fear I will become ill as they are, if I haven't already. A nasty sickness it is. I should stay and care for them, but I have done what I can do. I am sad to be leaving my mother behind and my father. As well as, my brother. I can only hope that they have a chance of their health improving, but I cannot predict what will happen when I leave. Perhaps I will return here to our estate one day, but what would be waiting for me, or rather what wouldn't, is a reality I will face when I come to it.

I have pondered over the recent weeks whether or not I am a coward for essentially fleeing in order to avoid poor health. My family assured me I was out of my mind for thinking this and that I should leave all while I am in fair condition. They relayed to me many times that I was to be leaving anyways to take on the duty's of manhood. I am to travel before I settle down. I was afraid to agree considering they were right. I have had dreams of exploration, but they seem further away from this moment in time.

None of it seems right no matter which way I try to spin it. No amount of justifying puts me at ease. Is there ever really any right way to leave when you have no plan?

I have no plan. No plan. No plan.

Like I said I had dreams, but those are not plans.

I have proper funds to get me where I would possibly need to go. I should say actually where I want to go considering as I said I have no prior arrangements. I will be forced to make this up as I go along and I am terrified to put this simply. I am young and have not yet experienced what it is like to truly depend on my instinctual resourcefulness and knowledge. Father said he has taught me what I need to know. I should trust that he is right.

I have no possible idea what will greet me in this new journey. Perhaps this will be good for me. For all I know though I could become ill soon after I leave and then this will have been for nothing.

Regardless, I'm leaving. That is the point of this all. I think I've rambled enough.

~
I am currently sitting on the edge of my bed awaiting the will to move my limbs. I have woken up just a moment ago and I can't find it in me to continue packing and see my family for potentially the last time.

For the most part my things are ready to go. I am not bringing much. I figure it's best to travel light. No need to drag along possessions that might end up lost, stolen, or damaged in the long haul in wherever I will end up.

I get up and start to dress myself for the day. It is just a simple morning suit I had refitted a month ago. I noticed with the winter months upon us I have lost some weight and unfortunately the fit just wouldn't do anymore. It was practically hanging off my slim frame and I thank myself now for making to decision to take it in.

The suit is all black the way I prefer it. I have never been one for overly complicated color combinations or patterns. That is more the style of my brother. I always have envied his attention to the finer details when it came to his appearance. I on the other hand can't be bothered to own multiple suits when I could have a select few that happen to match everything.

I finish buttoning the vest and hold off putting on my coat until I set out later this afternoon. I fold it over my arm, grab my hat, cane, and gloves along with my singular case of belongings and make my way down to speak to my family.

As I make my way down the long staircase I feel how unsteady I am. The case in my hands seems as if it will be the one thing to weigh me down and cause me to fall. I can feel the slight difference in my posture and the way I move with each step. I know and my body knows what I will be doing today and I'm finding it hard to compose myself.