Our Future (BILLIE EILISH)

- T h i r t y o n e -

January 19th.

Maddie's POV:

Today, I'm taking Billie on a date. I got this idea a couple days ago, but I've been mentally fucked up since that happened.

Basically, I was on my way to my meeting and I stopped to get coffee because I laid in bed all day and I needed to wake up for the meeting. Then I ran into Nicole, that wasn't planned at all. The paparazzi showed up, I don't know how they were there so quick.

The paparazzi would do anything to fuck up the relationship that Billie and I have, and it almost worked. I have never seen Billie angry at me, and I have never really seen her angry in general.

She's never left me either, that bitch got into her car and she was about to leave me. I don't know why but that really fucked with my mind, and it's still really fucking with my mind.

We were good for a minute, and it was all going good; the public relationship. But now that shows me that Billie's insecure about it, she was good for a fat ass minute. Why is she doubting it all of a sudden?

I've been trying to tell her since the start, that if she left I would understand. The girl can give me all the reassurance in the world, and I would still think that she's going to leave me. She had me for a minute, I actually thought that she would never leave. That stood against everything that I stood for, but now I know that she's no different, if shit gets too hard. She'll leave.

To wrap this up, we're right back where we started and her dream is practically coming true. The internet is literally hating my ass because, they think that Billie and I broke up because we haven't said anything.

Even though I'm getting hella hate, there's nothing that I can do or say to make it stop. I think if I could go back to private relationship I definitely would, being in a public one doesn't really have as many benefits as being in a private one.

Yeah we can hold hands in public, but what else? Since the public knows everything and they have so many questions, and I feel like all my comments are about our relationship. I'm not going to answer them, but it was better being private.

I assume the hate is going to get to me at some point, but like I can't shut her out because she basically lives with me and I can't get rid of her even if I tried. I'm glad that I'm going to London tomorrow, and I'm glad that I'm going to be there for a week.

I need to figure out what's going to happen, like I'm not going to break up with her. But I can feel myself getting sad again, and I haven't been sad in forever. I don't want to be sad, but my sadness was caused by my dumbass.

I need to sit down and talk to Billie about this whole thing, but there's just no time. I leave tomorrow and I leave hella early, I want to talk to Billie and I want to have her input and I want to know how she feels about everything. I want to know why she got angry and I want to know why she's insecure about our relationship.

I can't talk to her today, because today's going to be happy vibes because I'm taking her on a date. But since that happened, everything's been weird. I mean she's fine, but I'm not.

If I wait to talk to her until after I get back, then it would be pointless because she would be over it but I'm hoping that she pieces it together.

Is that wrong? Making her piece it together just because I don't wanna start the conversation because I don't know how she feels.

I can really feel my sadness coming back, and I can't do that again. I really can't, I loved being happy and I enjoyed my happiness. But maybe at the end of the day, I deserve to be sad.