𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍 - 𝐗𝐗𝐗𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐂𝐈𝐎𝐍

NOTHING

serenity "renny" rivera

april 2, 2017

before he could even speak, i gripped his arm and glared into his angry eyes, digging my nails into them while i interjected. "that's not a nice way to speak, is it?"

he just stared at me, before yanking his arm free from me and observing where my nails had broken skin on his arm, and caused blood to start surfacing, and then looked back at me, taking a harsh inhale.

"i don't give a fuck, you not bout to come up in my crib and start punching walls, punching me, taking shit that belongs to me." he snapped, seemingly refreshing his frustrations at the speech of them.

i tilted my head in confusion, trying to figure out what he was talking about. "i never put my hands on you."

he stared at me, with a mixture of frustration and confusion written all over his face, before he shook his head and spoke roughly. "don't pay dumb."

"what're you talking about?" i said slowly, carefully analyzing his body to see around his left eye was lightly bruised, though i saw no other markings on him.

"you really don't remember?" he asked, huffing out loudly.

"no, she doesn't." spoke isaiah from the doorway, and i glanced over at him, trying to figure out when he got here and how long he'd been standing there, though i dismissed it and looked back at x.

"she's got IED, and multiple personalities, she can't remember shit." he clarified, sighing as he approached me and pat my head gently, to which i shoved his arm away.

"why didn't you tell me she was crazy before she came here? i could've locked her in the basement or something." x said, and i couldn't decipher whether those words were a joke or not.

"nigga i ain't know till i went to go get her, i knew she had anger issues but i ain't know she was crazy crazy."

i continued to glance between the two as they spoke about me as if i was invisible, before i cleared my throat and had the attention redirected to me, to which i spoke.

"what'd i do?" i said, staring at the 'misfits' shirt on x's chest.

"you blacked out and started beating jah's ass, bad." isaiah spoke, to which x glared at him and sent a punch in his direction, though isaiah weaved it and started laughing.

i continued to stare between the two in silence, mainly because i didn't understand what was going on, and x cleared his throat before he shook his head and let out a frustrated sigh, turning around and walking out of the room, leaving isaiah and i alone.

"what'd i do?" i repeated, my voice now quieter and softer than before, while looking up at isaiah's low and droopy eyes.

"i don't know," he shrugged, before starting to play in my hair. "trunks said you kicked him out the room, then you punched that hole in your wall, x came in, and you started punching him too,"

he paused, forcefully yanking apart a knot in my hair, to which i sighed, feeling pain ring through my scalp from his force, while he began to speak again. "he had to hold you down, and everybody thought he was gonna kill you with how tight he had his arms around you, and then you passed out." he finished, and i sighed, rubbing my ribs.

"that explains why my ribs hurt." i muttered, pushing isaiah's hands away from my hair and looking away quietly, guilt building up inside of me.

i felt bad that i'd only been here for a few days and was already starting problems, unintentionally and beyond my control, and i already knew this wouldn't be the last time, making me shut my eyes for a moment and send a silent prayer to a god i didn't believe in, praying that someway, somehow, everything would be okay.

isaiah let out a sigh, before shaking his head and looking down at me.

"you hungry?" he asked, changing the subject, and i shook my head no, staying quiet.

"aight, i'll put some food for you in the fridge for later, and i'll label it so none of this has to happen again." he said, patting my shoulder before making his way out of the room.

i cracked a small smile as he walked out, and he began shutting the door, but opened it again and popped his head in, before speaking. "oh, and renny?"

i glanced over at him, humming in response, and he went on. "take your medicine."

he shut the door before i could respond, though i wouldn't have anyway, and instead i sighed before heading over to my dresser, where i opened the drawer that i kept my medicines in and sighed.

i pulled out the first bottle, staring at the label that read "risperdal", the anti-psychotic that treated my bipolar disorder and partially treated my schizophrenia, and i exhaled in defeat before opening it up and taking the pill, then putting the bottle back and moving on to the next.

"carbatrol", the anti-convulsant for my seizures, and partial mood stabilizer.

truth be told, i hadn't had a real seizure in months, but i sometimes faked them just to get out of being locked in my boring, maddening room in the psych ward, all day long, and get to spend some time in a hospital, with a change of scenery.

i took an inhale before popping the pill into my mouth, and moving on to the next bottle, sighing as i glanced at the name on this one, which read "compazine", the main treatment for my schizophrenia and anxiety.

i glared at the name for a while, before i shook my head and took the pill, grabbing the last bottle, the one i had a love-hate relationship with.

"lithobid", the mood stabilizer.

it left me empty, and emotionless, as if anger was my only emotion, and it stripped me of it, leaving me with nothing but an empty mind, heart and soul.

but i needed it the most, and that was what i hated, my dependence on what i hated the most, because without it, there was no good for me, but with it, there wasn't either, it was simply a debate against all bad or nothing at all.

i took a deep breath, before pouring a handful of the pills into my palm and staring at the small, pink pills in my palm, and i chuckled a bit as i stared down at them, watching them tumble about in the midst of my palm, before i shut my eyes and exhaled harshly .

all bad, or nothing at all.

~
tomorrow's update will be fun 🤞🏽