𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍 - 𝐗𝐗𝐗𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐂𝐈𝐎𝐍

PISTOL

(trigger warning, this chapter is real dark i'm sorry lol i was so depressed when i wrote this i was really just projecting)

serenity "renny" rivera

june 16, 2017

four days can feel like four years when you're alone.

i was surprised i hadn't killed myself, both accidentally or intentionally, either by bleeding out from all the cutting i'd done, or from how little i'd been eating and drinking, even from sleep deprivation, or ending up burning down the house from my carelessness.

isaiah had left later in the day that we arrived, and once he left, everything crumbled to pieces for me, in every way.

i missed him the minute he left, and every minute that passed it hurt more, and all i wanted was for him to come back.

i refused to take my medicine, and was left to deal with the voices in my head, alongside my frequent switches between hope, ren and serenity, and all piled on top of poor mental health and suicidal tendencies.

i'd done a lot of snooping around the house, and found a gun in jahseh's room that i took, yet despite how badly i wanted to kill myself, i held back, because it hadn't feel like the right time yet.

i wasn't sure what i was waiting for, but whatever i was subconsciously holding onto must've had good reason.

currently, however, i was hovered over the toilet, puking up the little food i'd eaten last night, and groaning both at the taste of the vomit, the burning of my throat, and my body's overall rejection to the food.

i sighed as i sat up, my stomach starting to hurt from now being emptied, and i pulled myself up and flushed my vomit down, before leaning on the sink for a moment and shaking my head.

i rinsed my mouth with water, then pulled out my toothbrush and did a quick brush of my teeth, before i stood up straight and looked down at myself, my scarred and cut up wrists the only thing in my focus.

i looked away from them, the simple sight of them tempting me to pick up a knife and add onto the long column of cuts, and i took a deep breath before walking out of the bathroom and down the stairs slowly.

i opened the fridge, which was nearly empty, and pulled out the bottle of ginger ale, not even bothering to pour it into a cup because there wasn't much left anyway, and instead drinking straight from the bottle, knowing it was the only thing i trusted my body wouldn't reject.

i sighed, sitting down on the floor of the kitchen, with the now-empty bottle still in hand and stared at my reflection from the stainless steel fridge, listening to the voices in my head pestering me, and feeling hope attempting to force herself into control.

i gave in, dropping the bottle and feeling the familiar chill up my spine that made me sit upright, only for my back to slouch back down and my knees to draw up as i continued to stare in the steel reflection sadly, before dropping my head down and wrapping my arms around my knees.

i would've cried, as i usually did when hope came out, but it seemed like my eyes had been all cried out and there was nothing for me to do other than physically sit in the sadness that was eating me alive.

my heart felt so heavy, so painfully weighted in my chest, i felt like it was getting too heavy.

like soon, it'll be so heavy that my body won't be able to hold it anymore, and it'll all just plummet into a dark, empty void, and my existence will cease.

soon.

i could've been sitting there for minutes or hours, but i didn't know how long it was, as my perception of time was fully destroyed within my depressed rest, but when i lifted my head, i felt worse than when i'd put it down.

i pulled myself up, dizzy from an empty stomach, but instead pathetically pulled myself up the stairs and into my room, sitting my trembling and dizzily swaying body on the bed.

i pulled open the nightstand beside my bed, drawing the pistol out of it and staring down at it intently, my heart burning and every voice in my head shouting at me to just do it, while my fingers twitched.

my hands began shaking, and i took a deep inhale before i cocked back the pistol, the clicking sound that made me press my lips together as i lifted it up towards my head.

i would've done it, right then and there, had the front door not opened loudly, and the shouts and chatter of everyone entering the house not interrupt me, and i was forced to shove the gun back into the nightstand and shut it.

a wave of realization and reality seemed to flow over me, that i'd just came so close to death, and though i wasn't scared or shocked, it was eye-opening, and i continued to tremble as i rubbed my face and took a deep inhale.

i could hear footsteps all around the house, though my focus directed to my wrists, which i needed to cover, and i got up and threw on the first hoodie i saw, sucking in a deep breath before sitting myself back on the bed, mainly because i felt if i stood any longer i'd collapse.

the door to my room opened just as soon as i sat, and i didn't bother turning to see who'd entered, because i already knew it was jahseh, and he was likely going to yell at me for not contacting him in days, though in my defense i'd turned my phone off and forgot where i put it.

"renny?" i heard his voice say, with more rasp in it than usual.

i couldn't bring myself to respond, or move, because everything around me was swaying more and more, and i damned myself for not eating anything, because i felt ready to pass out.

i could hear his footsteps approaching me, and he put a hand on my shoulder, coming beside me and finally into my line of vision, and i looked up at him flatly, before i shut my eyes and fully lost consciousness, my body collapsing almost lifelessly.

~
she's not dead 🙄