𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍 - 𝐗𝐗𝐗𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐂𝐈𝐎𝐍

LYING

serenity "renny" rivera

july 15, 2017

i sighed a gentle exhale as i stared at the picture of jahseh and i and continued to sketch it into the canvas, slowly and carefully.

following our date, i took a picture of us on his phone, which he ended up getting printed out because i loved it so much, and i'd kept it in my phone case the whole time.

even though now we weren't on good terms, i still found myself looking at it, and had found myself sketching it in my sketchbook the night before, so i said fuck it and decided to just paint it.

"y'all cute." i heard from behind me, making me jump in surprise, before i turned around and saw robb.

i didn't reply, though i stared at him blankly, pushing the canvas away so it was harder for him to see, which made him roll his eyes and cross his arms playfully, giving me a look. "so what, we can't even talk anymore?"

"no, did your fling not work out?" i replied, tilting my head.

"watch it, lil mama," he said, flicking his finger in direction, to which i stared at, silently.

when i returned my gaze to his face, he spoke again. "there ain't no fling to not work out, i just miss your personality."

"oh." i said dryly, standing up and beginning to walk away, only for him to grab me.

he forced me beside him as he spoke, demandngly. "where you going?"

i didn't answer, just snatched my arms away from him and stared at him, before i shook my head. "what do you want from me?"

he shrugged, taking a drag from the blunt between his fingers before he spoke, completely disregarding my question. "wassup with you and jah?"

i continued to stare, not moving or speaking, and he rolled his eyes. "why you playing quiet game with me? what'd i do to you?"

"use me? abuse me? lie to me? manipulate me?" i said, giving him a harder stare with every thing i listed.

he groaned, putting a hand up. "i didn't use nothing. i told you from the jump i wanted pussy, don't move like i was playing something i wasn't,"

i looked away from him, sitting down on the bed and looking up at him as he continued. "if i abused you, you abused me, cause yo ass was putting your hands on me, too."

"to defend myself." i clarified, which earned a scoff from him, but he said nothing else on the subject.

there was an uncomfortable silence between us for a while before i spoke again. "can you go? i don't want you around me."

he shook his head, smoking his blunt for a few moments before blowing the smoke from his last hit into my face, making me smack my lips. then, he spoke again.

"i'll go when you answer my question. what y'all on?"

i was ready to tell him to get the fuck out, when the front door unlocked and the familiar loud chatter and shouts of everyone who'd been out flooded into the house, and i silently thanked god for this, before i looked up at him.

"get out, you're not even supposed to be around me. don't get your ass beat."

he let out a laugh, shaking his head. "by who?"

i shrugged my shoulders, boredly picking at my long, sharp nails, while he stood there silently smoking, and we both said or did nothing with each other for a few passing minutes.

"renny?" i heard ski's voice sound from downstairs, making me look back up at robb again and tilt my head challengingly.

"you always being difficult and annoying," he groaned, gently kicking me, to which i moved away from him and gave him a dirty look.

"you'll come around soon. at least, you better."

just as he finished speaking and began to move away from me, ready to leave the room, the door opened, revealing ski at the doorway, who eyed robb and then me, before letting robb walk out and walking away himself.

it didn't take five minutes for jahseh to come into the room and shut the door behind him, before he stared at me for a long while, and i stared back blankly, neither of us moving or speaking.

but i couldn't hold it long, being that i'd had enough of niggas standing there and staring at me without doing shit, so i huffed and spoke. "what, nigga?"

"don't call me a nigga, first of all," he said, making me roll my eyes. "what the fuck was robb doing in here?"

i shrugged my shoulders boredly, turning away from him. "nothing. he came in here not talking about shit. then y'all came home, and he left."

jahseh stared at me for a few moments before he spoke up. "you're lying."

"i'm not." i said firmly, glancing up at him.

"you are. y'all fucked or something? you cheating on me? that's not what you had on when i left, let me see your neck." he pressed, approaching me and pulling the collar of my hoodie, making me smack my lips and push him away.

"cheating on who? cause i'm not your girlfriend," i started harshly, making him step back and glare down at me.

"i didn't do shit, this is what i had on, i put on a hoodie because i got cold. and i don't need to sit here and explain myself to you."

he shook his head, refusing to look at me as he spoke. "here you go, doing it again."

"doing what?" i asked blankly.

"loving me one minute and acting like we're nothing the next."

i stared at him until he finally looked at me, then i replied. "we are nothing. you're not gonna just fuck me and treat me like i'm you're girlfriend but not actually commit to me, because you still have bitches coming in and out of this house, right in front of my fucking face,"

he looked away after i shouted those words, and i knew i won already, but i kept going. "you complained about robb but you're no better than him."

i saw him clench his jaw at those words, and over his mouth to speak, but i cut him off and finished. "i don't belong to anybody but myself. leave me alone."

he didn't say anything, just nodded his head and turned around, leaving the room as swiftly as he'd entered, and i exhaled, feeling my face heat up as tears threatened to spill out of my eyes, making me huff, knowing i hated to cry.

but i couldn't help it, i was mad at myself and the world, trying to figure out why i couldn't find someone and just be good with them, and just not argue, nor fuss, not fight, not be confused.

why i wasn't made to love.

i wiped my warm tears with the sleeve of my hoodie and shook my head, sitting back on the floor and pulling the canvas closer to me, before i picked it up and shoved it into the closet, not even wanting to see it anymore, and groaned, pulling myself into bed and throwing the covers over my head, shutting my eyes tight and forcing myself to sleep.

~
i hate this