𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍 - 𝐗𝐗𝐗𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐂𝐈𝐎𝐍

ACCEPTING

serenity "renny" rivera

may 5, 2017

"happy cinco de mayo y'all!" ski said to isaiah and us, making me tilt my head, and making isaiah burst into laughter.

"we're not fucking mexican you dickhead." isaiah said in the midst of his laugh, and everyone in the room started laughing, though i only focused on one person in the room, my eyes surely burning holes into his head.

robb.

his smile made it impossible for me to look away, and i watched him take a drag from the lit cigarette in between his fingers, while the conversation automatically changed to something about jahseh's music, though i wasn't hearing anything.

i let out an exhale, though it was unheard over the noise, and i took the blunt that isaiah held, then rose up from the couch and made my way out of the room, with my phone in one hand and the blunt in the opposite, bringing it to my mouth as i exited.

i held the smoke in my mouth for a moment before blowing it out and walking out to the back deck, and sitting on one of the couches outside, staring up at the partly cloudy sky and making out the shapes of them in my mind.

i continued to smoke the blunt slowly and shut my eyes, holding my head in my hands for a moment, completely zoned out, and with every second that passed, i got sadder, for some reason.

i opened my eyes back up and continued to try to smoke the pain away, and within minutes half the blunt was smoked and my eyelids drooped so low, they were just about shut, but it did nothing for my sadness.

my heart just felt heavy in my chest, and i groaned at the feeling of emotion, something that was usually blocked out due to my medication, but seemingly the weed brought it out.

as i went to take another drag from the blunt, mainly because i just couldn't stop, even if it made me feel worse with every pull, it was pulled out of my hand, making me sigh, though i didn't lift my head to see who'd taken it from me.

"what's wrong with you?" i heard from beside me, in the familiarly raspy voice that belonged to jahseh, and i glanced over at him, then shrugged and looked away.

he sat down on the couch beside me, staring at me while i blankly stared at the cloudless sky.

"you're sad, i can feel it." he said slowly, and i glanced over at him blankly, then cracked a smile and spoke.

"are you a witch or something?"

he chuckled a bit, tilting his head in thought. "i thought only women were witches."

i let out a little breath of a laugh, realizing that his words were true, and i shrugged my shoulders. "yeah, actually. i think that's right."

he was holding bacon egg and cheese biscuit from mcdonald's- or rather, about two bites left of one, and offered it to me, though i shook my head and turned away, avoiding even being near the bacon.

he stuffed the biscuit in his mouth, before pulling an arm around me while chewing, to which i leaned into his chest but said nothing, only continued to stare at the empty blue sky, while he didn't say anything either, rather just gave me the comfort of his presence, which was needed.

and while it was almost weird to realize what was happening right now, it was oddly comforting, and i found myself snuggling into his chest and sighing, before wrapping arms around him and shutting my eyes, accepting everything silently.

i wasn't sure how long we sat there, holding each other, but eventually he spoke up, his voice making his chest gently vibrate beneath my head. "so, are you gonna talk?"

"i don't know," i said truthfully, keeping my eyes shut and feeling his chest gently rise and fall with his steady breathing. "i don't really know why i'm sad."

he was quiet for a second before he gently held my face, making me open my eyes and look up at him, as his thumb gently caressed my cheek. "can you be honest with me?"

i nodded my head and responded with an "mhm", keeping my eyes on him while he spoke slowly.

"did geneva coming over here make you jealous?"

i grimaced and looked away, not wanting to answer this but having already vowed to be honest, i cleared my throat and replied. "i don't know, i guess a little bit."

"but why?" he said, while i could feel his eyes on me.

"i don't know," i said again, getting a weird feeling in my chest. "it just bothered me a little, but there's no reason for be to be bothered."

he gave a quiet hum, and then spoke. "unless you like me, and that's why you got jealous."

"no." i said coldly, lifting myself up off of him and freeing myself from his hold, which made him groan.

"relax," he said, sitting up and looking over at me, and i could tell his was surveying my sudden shut down behavior. "i was playing."

i shrugged my shoulders, picking at the lint on the sleeve of my sweater, and kept quiet, and he sighed before he spoke again.

"can i ask one more thing?"

i glanced over at him, but then returned my focus to the lint i was pulling off of me. "go for it."

he seemed to hesitate before he spoke. "do you and robb have anything going on?"

i shook my head, looking back up at the sky and focusing on a triangle shaped cloud. "no, nothing."

"so why was he touching on you like that before? and who put those hickeys on you? and why was he just staring-" he piled me with questions, only for me to interrupt him.

"and i'm the jealous one?" i chuckled, making him immediately press his lips together and look away.

i sighed quietly before i spoke, trying to tell as much truth as i could without telling what i didn't want to. "just because someone wants me doesn't mean i want them. and it doesn't mean we have anything going on."

he only hummed in response and nodded, and then pulled me back to lay on his chest once again, which i did, wrapping my arms around him once more while he did the same and we enjoyed each other's embrace, outside in the warm, humid florida weather of early may, with summer on the way.

i shut my eyes for a second, just letting myself absorb in his peaceful and gentle energy and be calm for a moment, but then found myself drifting off into sleep, probably because of all the weed i'd smoked, and instead of fighting it, i just snuggled into his chest gently and let myself fall asleep, feeling safe and at peace.

~
fucking hated this ending.