𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍 - 𝐗𝐗𝐗𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐂𝐈𝐎𝐍

DEAD

(trigger warningggg, self harm/discussion of self harm)

serenity "renny" rivera

june 9, 2017

"is your head okay now?" i asked, tiredly looking at jahseh as he entered the room, prepared to come to sleep, as it was late.

he seemed surprised to see me awake, because i'd retreated to the room and said my good nights to everyone an hour earlier, but i hadn't been able to fall asleep.

"yeah, i'm straight." he said, and i nodded my head and rolled onto my side, trying to dismiss the slight stinging coming from my arms.

one cut had turned into five, and five to ten, and ten would've turned into a trip to the hospital (or morgue) if i hadn't stopped,  but the next day i couldn't fight myself from doing it again, and then again today.

and with every cut, every touch against my skin with my knife, it seemed like i was killing a piece of myself inside, pushing myself closer and closer in return to the black hole i was in before for years, and as much as i wanted to stop and save myself before it was too late, i couldn't.

"you're not hot?" he asked, as he pulled on some shorts and approached the bed.

"no." i said, which wasn't a lie, but the heat of the hoodie on me was a bit discomforting and i would've been able to go to sleep, as well as been more comfortable, if i took it off.

he hummed in response, getting into the big bed beside me and laying himself down, to which i rolled over onto my back and stared up at the ceiling, mimicking the position he laid in as well.

i hesitated for a moment with saying what i was thinking, because i knew i could speak my mind with him, though i worried it would alarm him, because my thoughts were far from bright in the moment.

as if he could read me, he spoke up. "what're you thinking of?"

i glanced in his direction, though it was dark in the room and i couldn't really see him, and then looked back up at the ceiling. "do you ever just feel dead inside?"

he shifted in the bed, and i could feel his gaze on me, though i turned mine to the floor beside me, where the moonlight fell in through the window, the only thing giving light to the room.

"all the time," he finally spoke up, putting a hand on my hand. "why do you feel that way?"

i sighed, intertwining my fingers with his as i spoke. "i don't know, it just kinda feels like i'm dead in a living body, even my mind feels dead."

there was silence, and seemed like for once he didn't know how to respond to me, and i went on, knowing i would likely only make him even more speechless. "like sometimes i just realize nothing really matters, and i just wanna kill myself."

he tensed up, sitting up slowly and looking down at me, to which i looked up at him, with the moonlight giving enough light for me to see his worried face, and i kept myself laid down and looking up at him.

"how long have you felt like this?" he asked, sounding genuinely concerned and worried for me, and i turned my gaze away from him and back to the moonlight filtering through the window.

"i don't know, a while," i admit, watching the shadow of a butterfly fly past the window and show on the floor. "i mean think about it, what really matters for an insane girl?"

he shook his head, squeezing onto my hand, which he still held onto this entire time. "everything, if it's you. don't talk like that, you gotta look for the positive and not the negative."

"where's the positive? everything feels meaningless sometimes." i replied, finally looking up at him, and he pulled me up, which made me sit up and lean against the headboard.

"even when there's no positive, you can make your own. it's not about what you're dealt with, it's about how you deal with it. you know this." he said gently, and i nodded my head slowly as i watched him look down at our intertwined hands.

"true statement," i said lowly, and while i was hearing him and agreeing with his words, i wasn't listening or taking them for myself, only responding so he would believe i was.

"i agree."

he nodded his head at me, leaning down and placing a kiss on my lips before he rose back up and stared down at me, his chain dangling over me and partially laying on my chest.

"it's gone be alright in the end, and if it's not alright, it's not the end." he said softly, and these were words that i actually heard and listened to, and i held his chain in my free hand and stared down at it as i let his words run through my mind.

"right, you're right." i said, running my fingers against the chain and then looking up at him, reaching up and placing a soft kiss on his lips.

the gentle and soft kiss only progressed, into one with more passion and hunger, as his mouth traveled with mine and fought for dominance, and i took the dominant lead in biting down on his lips, to which he opened his mouth with a smile at my move.

our tongues fought for power against each other, his winning and exploring my mouth freely, while my arms wrapped around his neck and he adjusted his body between my legs, pulling apart and moving his head down to my neck.

"i can touch you now." he replied, making between my legs pool with wetness, as he connected his lips with my neck and then began to give little bites and sucks to the skin on my neck, almost immediately finding my sweet spot.

he didn't spend too much time on my neck, though, likely because he knew it wouldn't turn out well if i came up with hickeys all over my neck after sharing a room with him, and instead he lifted up and brought a hand to my pants, pulling them down.

"can you stay quiet?"

~
maybe it's the crazy in me but i realized i take serious situations (heartbreak, mental health, suicide) and turn them into smut scenes bc sexualization is the cure to everything.

also they didn't fuck haha sorry