𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍 - 𝐗𝐗𝐗𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐂𝐈𝐎𝐍

ONE

(trigger warning, self harm at the end of chap)

serenity "renny" rivera

june 7, 2017

"shouldn't i be the one tending to you?" i asked, while i sat on the kitchen counter and watched jahseh wipe blood off of my face and put alcohol on my cuts.

he didn't respond for a moment, instead pressing a cotton ball full of alcohol onto a cut on my face, which made me hiss and pull back, though he only moved back with the cotton ball, so it did nothing for me.

"no," he finally responded as he pulled away the cotton ball and began wiping it along my face. "because i'm fine, you're the one all fucked up."

i narrowed my eyes, though the movement of my face made my skin sting, so i straightened my face before i spoke. "i'm not fucked up, i'm fine."

he pulled back, gazing at my face and giving me a look, before returning to wiping my face, as isaiah spoke up from behind us, somehow already drinking from a bottle of hennessy that i don't even know how he got.

"it was that pussy ass nigga rob, he paid the venue to set you up." he said, shaking his head and rubbing the bandage on the side of his head, while everyone spoke their agreement.

ski spoke up, pulling the bottle of hennessy from isaiah and taking a swig from it first. "well he got what he deserved for it, apparently he got stabbed and he in the hospital."

my jaw dropped at the news, and i let out a loud, and honestly gross sounding, laugh, which made everyone's attention direct to me, and made jahseh pull back from me, and i covered my mouth and attempted to hold back my laugh, though it didn't work.

"are you good?" tank spoke, though i wasn't looking at him, and i nodded my head, taking a deep breath and recollecting myself.

everyone was staring at me when i looked back up, and i only shook my head and let out a breath of a laugh. "i'm good, sorry, what were y'all saying?"

everyone glanced at me momentarily, before jahseh returned to wiping my face clean, and then lifted my hand, which was scraped on its side, and dunked another cotton ball in the alcohol.

"chile, anyway," ski said, glancing at me and then returning his attention to the rest of the room. "he a hoe for that."

i sighed, as jahseh finished wiping my hand and isaiah turned to me, eyeing me. "wait- who the fuck was you fighting?"

i shrugged, as i jumped down from the counter. "i wasn't even planning on touching anyone but someone hit me so i hit back.."

everyone seemed to tense up, making me give a confused look in return to everyone who stared at me, and tank was the one to speak up, adjusting his bloody wife beater as he spoke.

"who the fuck hit you? niggas don't know we don't hit bitches around here?"

isaiah glared at him, and tank lifted a hand in surrender, correcting himself. "my fault, i mean girls. you not a bitch."

i chuckled at his words, and shrugged again, looking down at my hands and noticing for the first time that i'd broken multiple nails in my fight. "i don't know and i don't care, i beat they asses."

"they?" everyone spoke at the same time, making me sigh as i realized i told on myself, and i shook my head.

"okay, i don't care, and i don't know. i'm going to shower and get this blood off of me before it gives me aids." i said blankly, turning away and walking out of the room, to which everyone engaged in a conversation about what i'd just dismissed, though i ignored it.

i heard isaiah's angry voice fill the house, which i couldn't ignore. "nah, what fucking nigga put they hands on my cousin?"

i sighed quietly as i got into the bathroom and stripped of my bloody clothing, removing the knife from my back pocket and looking at the blood on it.

it was amusing, honestly, how things always lined up.

jahseh had gotten set up and knocked out, but it all lined up and i ended up stabbing the guy who'd proposed it, which was almost instant karma.

i rinsed the blood off of the knife in the sink, before i flipped it shut once more and turned on the water in the shower, balling my bloody clothes up and stripping from my undergarments before stepping into the shower.

i watched the water that moved down the drain turn red with the blood that rinsed off of my body and sighed, my adrenaline now lowered and my body starting to ache slightly as i moved around, and i let myself be rinsed fully before i reached for the soap and began washing myself clean.

once done with my shower, i stepped out and wrapped myself in a clean towel, grabbing my knife just as the door opened, and jahseh entered, then sighed. "damn, i was too late."

i let out a breath of a laugh, ruffling his head and passing him wordlessly, heading into the room and sitting on the bed.

i glanced at my arms, and i sighed at the faint scars lining my wrists, that were now going black and blue with bruises, before i shook my head and looked away, because i knew if i looked too long, i'd be inclined to fall into old habits and hurt myself again.

i dressed myself in sweats and a tank top, though i couldn't help looking back at my wrists once more and staring at them intently, chewing my inner lip as flashbacks of myself self harming flew into my mind, and an urge to repeat the past and satisfy my painful hunger grew.

i looked at the knife i'd placed on the bed, and then at the door, which was shut and silent from outside of it, before i sat down at the bed and flipped the knife open, poking the sharp tip of the knife and staring at it intently for a minute.

"just one. just one cut."

~
starting to realize nothing really matters anymore.