𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍 - 𝐗𝐗𝐗𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐂𝐈𝐎𝐍

SORRY

serenity "renny" rivera

july 24, 2017

"you gotta get up, baby, you can't keep moping in bed like this." jahseh said, reaching out for me, to which i pulled away from his reach and sat myself up on my own.

he looked at me, probably wondering why i pulled away from him, and i looked away from him and looked at my sleeves. "what is it?"

he kept his eyes on me, shaking his head. "you can't stay in bed for the rest of your life, come on."

i stood up, ignoring the hand he'd put out to help me up, and groaned at the lightheaded feeling i got from standing up, then sighed.

he put a hand on my lower back, and i shook my head and pulled his hand off of my back, instead holding his hand in mine.

i didn't even want to be touched, really. i didn't want anyone touching me at all if it was isaiah ruffling my hair up or pinching my arm gently or pushing me, or most of all, wrapping his arms around me extra tight and hugging me close, wrapping me in the aroma of weed and cologne.

but i couldn't keep acting out in front of him, i knew i had to relax, deal with the pain and hide it, before jahseh would force me to sit down and get it off my chest.

he held onto my hand tightly, walking out of the room and leading me downstairs, which made me ache inside, wishing i could go downstairs and see isaiah, but knowing i wouldn't.

i felt my body begin to tremble, every step making me tremble more, and i forced myself to hold as still as possible, so i wouldn't alarm jahseh or catch his attention.

we stepped down the last step, and i noted the silence in the house, which partially comforted me, and we stepped into the kitchen, which was empty, making me let out a quiet breath of relief and relax my body.

"what do you wanna eat?" he asked, as i leaned against the counter and stared at my reflection on the fridge.

i shrugged my shoulders, the sight of my reflection a pure reminder of the last time i looked at my reflection against this steel, also in shambles and on the verge of death.

damn it, why must everything i look at be a reminder of horror and trauma?

"i'm not hungry." i said quietly, turning my head and looking at his purple shorts, rather than his face.

he sucked in a quiet inhale, before he stepped towards me, and as much as i wanted to back up, i only stared at him until he stood directly in front of me, to which i stared behind him, at the fridge again.

he pulled his arms around me and held me close, almost exactly like isaiah would, which i thought would've triggered me, but instead it comforted me, and i relaxed in his hold and laid my head against his chest.

"can you talk?" he asked, his voice a raspy whisper that vibrated on his chest as my head laid against it.

i shook my head, shutting my eyes tight, before i spoke. "i don't want to."

he didn't speak, just let out a sigh and nodded his head, then played gently in my curls before we pulled apart, and he stared into my eyes, with his soft and sympathetic orbs.

i wondered, as always, if he could read me just within my eyes, and see all of my thoughts, my fears, my secrets and worries, and figure out my feelings with no trouble.

"i'm gonna get you wendy's." he said as he took a step back, which made my lips curl in a smile, before i spoke.

"can i come?"

he raised an eyebrow, likely at my sudden desire to leave the house, but i didn't want to risk being here alone for even one second, not knowing what'd i do if i knew i was the only one here.

he nodded, and i let him hold my hand in his as he made our way out of the kitchen and towards the entrance of the house, and just as we made it to the door, and i stopped to slip into my shoes while jahseh went out to turn on the car, i heard someones footsteps walk into the room.

i lifted my head, seeing robb casually walking into the room, a styrofoam cup of lean in one hand and a cigarette in the other, and i tensed up, looking at him blankly as he lifted the cigarette to his lips and took a drag.

i turned away from him, just about to open the door and walk out, when he grabbed my arm, which made me turn around quickly and pull away from him, though he just sighed and looked at me sadly.

"i'm sorry about isaiah, renny. and about everything that went on with us. i been tryna say this but you stay locked up in your room all day." he said softly, making me look away from him and shrug my shoulders.

"it's fine."

he took a sip from his cup before he spoke. "you know if you need me, i'm here, right?"

i wanted to scoff, to roll my eyes and cross my arms and even go off on him. tell him i was so fucking tired of hearing everyone say that, of hearing everyone tell me they love me and they're here for me just because they know it's what they should say.

tired of people bringing it up every time they saw me, pitying me, telling me a bunch of shit i didn't wanna hear, shit that just made me think of isaiah the second i got him out of my mind.

but i nodded my head at him, my shoes fully on now and ready to go, and i turned around as i spoke quietly.

"yeah, thanks."

~
sorry that i made this happen so randomly and sudden lol lol lol