𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍 - 𝐗𝐗𝐗𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐂𝐈𝐎𝐍

END

TRIGGER WARNINGGGG pls be careful reading this

serenity "renny" rivera

july 27, 2017

as i got back into the car, i felt empty inside and fully dead, as if my everything had fully collapsed in me and i was just dragging around my corpse.

ski seemed hesitant to speak, as if he wasn't sure what to say, scared saying anything would hurt me or drive me off the edge.

i sat there blankly, before i let out an exhale and spoke to ski, who'd been staring at me. "we can go."

he nodded, and began to pull out of his parking space, and my mind kept blank the entire time, trying to figure out if i was dreaming and when i'd wake up.

the only thing i could do was sit there and stare out the window, occasionally pinching myself and digging my nails into my arms, trying to wake myself up from this nightmare.

we pulled into the driveway of a house, though it wasn't ours, and ski unbuckled his seatbelt before he spoke. "hold up, i gotta pick something up."

i nodded my head, and as soon as he stepped out of the car and shut the door, i shattered into pieces, immediately sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.

i couldn't do it anymore, i couldn't keep being strong without him. the idea of him being gone, the words being told to me, was one thing, but seeing his grave, seeing his name carved into that slab of stone just staring at me..

i'll never be able to live with that.

i couldn't live with the idea of him gone, dead, never to be heard or seen or felt or smelled again, eventually to be forgotten by everyone except me.

never.

i'd rather die.

i took a shaky breath, my entire body shaking so violently, i was sure to look as if i was seizing, right in that moment, and i shut my eyes, hearing isaiah's voice in my head.

"whoever you lost, you'll see again. believe that. just hang in there for them until your time comes too."

i hiccuped, before i lifted my head and turned it to the gun in the cup holder, and then looked up at the house, before wiping my face and taking a deep breath.

of course, my actions were practically useless, because tears continued to flow, and my breathing didn't steady, but i kept it up until at least my breathing steadied enough for me to move.

i lifted the gun from the cup holder, staring down at it blankly, as my hand began to shake and my breathing began to tighten.

in my chest, physically, i felt like someone was suffocating me, after they'd just stabbed me a hundred times, and i kept my eyes on the gun intently, watching it tremble in my hands.

i took a deep breath, shaking my head before i cocked it back and listened to the clicking sound it granted, and held it properly, my finger over the trigger.

i lifted it to my head, tears continuing to spill from my eyes, as i spoke to myself, my voice just as shaky as my body.

"i can't do this shit. i can't. i'm not strong enough, i don't give a fuck."

i wished i wasn't alone in this moment, maybe so someone could talk me out of this, yet in the same sense, that'd only do more harm to me, because staying in misery like this would only kill me more.

i took a deep breath, glancing back up at the house, where ski still was, and i glanced down at my phone, before i put the gun down and pulled my phone case off, taking out the picture in the back of it.

the picture of us.

i stared at it for a while, holding it tightly in my hand, as i lifted the gun once more, and held it to my head, the gun in one hand and the picture in the other.

i stared at our faces, my wide and bright smile and his too, such a rare sight for either of us to be smiling, yet there it was.

the photo trembled in my hands, as i sighed and shut my eyes, feeling the hot tears fall out of my eyes before i mumbled quietly to the picture, as if it were jahseh and he could hear me.

"i'm sorry."

i felt like i could hear time itself ticking away, like a clock, as the seconds grew longer and time ran out, and my hands finally managed to become still, and my eyes no longer leaked with tears.

that was when i knew time was up.

and that was it. i pressed my finger against the trigger, and heard the loud boom of the gun, and it made my ears ring and my head experience a pain that couldn't be described, for barely a second, before everything fell flat.

my eyes shut, my body dropped, and my hold on the picture loosened.

that was it, that was the end.

~
y'all hate me now don't y'all LMFAOOOOOOOOO