𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍 - 𝐗𝐗𝐗𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐂𝐈𝐎𝐍

DECOMPOSING

serenity "renny" rivera

july 22, 2017

isaiah's dead.

he overdosed again.

yesterday night he called me, made sure i was okay. he told me he wished he could mess up my hair again just to see me get mad at him for it. i told him to shut up, but i laughed.

i asked him when he'd be home, how much longer he'd be gone. i told him i missed him, i didn't want to be without him for any longer.

i remembered his smile, the playful cocky grin as he said something about how i wasn't tough at all, i was a softie, and he knew i missed him and was waiting for me to admit.

i had rolled my eyes and waved him off.

he'd told me he'd be coming out soon, that he was healthier, that he was clean, and going to get a therapist as soon as he was released. but then he said he wasn't coming home. he said he would get his own place, out of the members only house.

he told me he was clean.

i remember asking if i could come, please, that i was only here because of him, and i remember him saying he'd figure something out for us.

now he's gone.

i can't find my heart.

when i put my hand on my chest, there's no beat, no pulse, nothing.

there's just a dark void in my chest where my heart should've been, the drumbeat of my existence has ceased.

just like i knew it would.

i would've liked to believe it was all in my head, all just a nightmare, one that felt too real but would go away when i opened my eyes and that i wouldn't be feeling so empty, so guilty, so hurt.

i'd even be fine with it being real, if i could wake up with amnesia and not have to remember it all, not remember who he was or where he was from, and just pity his friends who did remember him and were hurt.

but i couldn't.

this was my blood. my family. and i'd heard enough times that death isn't easy, even from him myself, when he said "death ain't easy but it won't end you. whoever you lost, you'll see again. believe that. just hang in there for them until your time comes too."

but this, this felt like it would end me.

i was sure of it.

i didn't even want to think about it, couldn't imagine what he felt like. what was he thinking before he left us? did it hurt? did he know he was dying? was he scared? what about everything he left behind, everything he had going?

the thought it of made me sick to my stomach, every single time, and when i shut my eyes i could see his face all over again, and the questions would repeat in my head, every time.

sleep was no longer a thing. it was more so laying in a bed, with my eyes shut, in darkness until they opened.

i couldn't label it as sleep, because when you sleep you are relaxed, at peace, and safe.

i was never any of those.

jahseh was worried, as to be expected, and trying his best to be there for me and never leave me alone for too long, as if he knew himself if i was alone for too long i'd end up hurting myself.

and i felt bad, because i knew he was probably hurting himself, but still looking out for other people and trying to make sure they were good, too.

and every time he'd ask me to talk about it, ask me to get the thoughts out of my mind and off my chest, i'd just shrug him off and tell him i didn't want to tell about it, that if he was gonna bother me by asking questions, i'd rather him leave.

i felt bad, really, and i felt selfish for acting like this but i couldn't help but wish it was me instead. or wish i could do something to get him back, or that i could get over there and hurt everyone who let this happen to him.

but it hurt, more than anything i could ever express or think of.

i kept my eyes open, staring at the wall and covered by both a hoodie and the comforter on my bed, as the door to my room opened slowly, revealing jahseh to enter the room, and my heart began to hurt even more, if that was even possible.

he sat himself on the edge of my bed, beside me, in silence, and though i returned my stare to the wall, i could feel his eyes on me, and i could feel the energy he radiated, full of worry and pity.

"renny.." he spoke out, to which i looked at him blankly for a split second, and then looked away and shut my eyes.

"i love you." he said lowly, putting a hand on mine, to which i stared at our joined hands and held onto his gently, exhaling quietly.

i shut my eyes, before i spoke in response, my voice raspy from lack of use. "i love you too."

he was quiet for a moment before he tightened his hold on my hand and spoke up. "will you talk to me when you're ready?"

i clenched my jaw, opening my eyes and looking down at our hands, and then nodded my head, looking away from the contact and back at the wall.

i didn't have it in me to speak up and explain myself, explain how i didn't think i'd ever be ready to speak on it, or even when ready, gain the courage and strength to speak my dark mind and release the heavy thoughts.

i couldn't, but i couldn't explain that, so i'd give him what he wanted by responding with yes, because truthfully, i would tell him if i was ready and able, so it wasn't a lie.

but it was a bluff, because i knew i'd never be okay or able to do so, and i was only feeding him with what he wanted to hear, so i could be left alone, left to rot and sit in my pain by myself.

all that was left was to find out how long i'd rot, before fully decomposing.

~
sigh