𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍 - 𝐗𝐗𝐗𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐂𝐈𝐎𝐍

BUTTERFLY

serenity "renny" rivera

july 27, 2017

"where you going?" jahseh asked me as i entered the room, fully dressed, brushing some hair products into my hair.

i shrugged my shoulders, putting the brush down and looking in the mirror.

i looked sick. my usually radiant, cocoa brown skin looked duller than it used to be. my thick, tightly curly hair was thinner than it used to be, more lifeless and less voluminous. under my eyes were dark, tired and sad even though all i did was sleep.

i just wanted to get out, i hadn't ever hurt as much as i was today. no day following isaiah's death was as bad as today was.

i woke up crying, just because i had woke up. i didn't even want to wake up, i was sick of it. i was sick of getting the chance to wake up every day when isaiah couldn't. when he should, but he couldn't.

i finally spoke, because jahseh's eyes were on me the entire time. "i'm gonna have ski take me somewhere, maybe a park or something, i just want to get out for a little and be alone, and i know as long as i pay him to get food he'll let me be."

i silently prayed he wouldn't ask to take me himself, or take it personally that i wasn't asking him or that i wanted to be alone, and my prayers were answered, because he just nodded his head and got up off of my bed, standing behind me.

he wrapped his arms around my waist and looked at our reflection in the mirror, and i sighed before i turned around and faced him, looking into those familiar brown orbs that felt like home.

i gently cupped his face, caressing his cheek with my thumb gently, just touching him, just processing that this- that he is real, in front of me, in my hold.

he swiftly leaned down and pecked my lips, and as he pulled apart i pulled him closer with my hand that still cupped his face and gave him a longer kiss, a deeper kiss, that felt sad but full of so much love and passion and longing.

a type of kiss i missed getting from him.

when we pulled apart, he gave a gently smile, and i looked away, my face flushing, even though he couldn't see it.

"i love you." i said gently, which made him gently pout at me, before intertwining our hands and looking me in the eyes.

"i love you more. i love you so much, serenity."

the words made me want to cry, but i didn't exactly know why, and i turned myself around, picking the brush back up and running it through my hair one last time, before i stared in the mirror and looked at our reflection again, his body leaned and head resting on my shoulder, arms around my waist.

i picked up my phone and took a picture, making him give a quiet little laugh, and i wasted no time sending it to him right away, because he hated taking pictures if he couldn't see them and have them sent to him.

"i'll be back." i said gently, to which he nodded and let me out of his hold.

he ruffled my hair, just like isaiah would, and laughed as i smacked my lips because i'd just done it. "be safe, baby."

"i will." i said quietly, grabbing my phone and stepping out of the room, then down the stairs.

i turned into ski's room swiftly, looking at him quietly while he tapped away at his phone, before he acknowledged my presence, then immediately sat up and opened his arms. "hey, renny, you good?"

i let myself lean into his arms and hug him close, keeping quiet for a few moments before i spoke. "i'm okay.. can you take me somewhere, please?"

he didn't even hesitate before he nodded and got up, grabbing his keys from the nightstand and guiding me out of the bedroom and towards to entrance of the house.

"where to?" he finally asked as we both slid on our shoes, and i hesitated, not wanting anyone around to listen or hear.

he seemed to notice i was hesitant, and after we'd both put our shoes on, he opened the door and let me out first, before shutting it and looking at me, and i spoke now.

"do you think you can take me to isaiah's grave?"

he pressed his lips together sadly, but nodded his head, and guided me into the car, where we got in and he sat for a minute before putting on his seatbelt.  "you don't wanna worry jah, i get it."

i nodded my head nervously, exhaling quietly and buckling in my seatbelt. "i feel terrible, he's so worried for me and i keep shutting him out, but i don't wanna talk about it and i don't want him to worry about me."

he hummed in response as he backed out of the driveway and started driving, tapping around on his phone at the same time. "he's worried for a good reason, though. you don't look too great, and you never leave your room."

"you calling me ugly?" i asked playfully, eyeing him, which made him laugh a bit, and shake his head quickly.

"no- i mean, well, ah fuck off." he said, making me let out a soft laugh that hurt my chest for a reason i couldn't really explain.

we got to the cemetery in a few minutes, and i sighed as i saw all the tombstones our of the ground, and ski watched me quietly before i started to unbuckle.

"love you," he said softly, words i hadn't ever heard come out of ski's mouth before, and kind of shocked me. "if you need me, just call, i'll come to you."

i nodded my head, my heart already feeling heavy, as i got out of the car. "i love you too, ski."

i shut the door behind me, my phone tucked into my back pocket and my hands in the pockets of the hoodie i wore, even though it was burning hot and sunny out.

i exhaled deeply as i approached it, looking down at it and feeling like this wasn't even real, and i kneeled down onto the warm ground, where grass hadn't even grown yet because it was still fresh, and i bit my lip.

"izzy.." i let out quietly, before my throat shut itself and i felt a lump from, making me try to swallow it away, to no avail.

my hands began to shake and my eyes watered up, though i blinked the tears away and looked off at the sky, and then back at his tombstone, where a white butterfly fluttered around, then landed on the hot slab of stone, and seemed to be staring at me.

i felt it, i knew that was him.

and i couldn't take it.

~
i have covid .. for the second time *sigh* and this time it's worse than the first so like pray for me?!

this book is finished before i die tho ❤️thanks for being w me in my last moments 😩

let me stop before i actually .. BYE LMAO