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- 1- (Chapter Title) Paranormal (Genre) Life & Death (Themes) First Person Past (consistent) Suspense level (🌝🌝🌝🌗🌚) Chapter 2 critique available upon request inline. -----8.02-----
Hi
Thanks for letting me read your first chapter. With a few tweaks, I dare say that the suspense would be total. Things to look for in a first chapter:
- clear genre (paranormal) - clear time period (modern) - clear MC (Rin-chan) - suspense /tension (yes and no) - few characters (yes) - life-changing decision / event (sorta)
Let me just say that you hit the ground running. And it's amazing how seamlessly you could pull it off. It's a testament to your abilities. I was immediately dragged in and intrigued by your premise. Now, this is literally a premise I've seen before right here on wattpad but that doesn't matter, it still had its own unique twist so that after I made the comparison to myself, I immediately had to rethink that conclusion.
But to the critique. I do think the switching of tenses affects the flow. It's done stylistically but you are asking people who usually take one step after another, to change their pattern to hop step, hop hop step. A true fan might change their natural way of doing things with gusto, but a casual reader might not. Which is a shame because this story is more than worth reading.
The biggest and main concern I have is the pacing. This (in all theory) should have been the MOST TENSE first chapter I've ever read. From start to finish, it's all tension...cut up and dialed down by information about clothing, hair styles, and such. Again, this may be a stylistic choice but I don't drink my soup with a teaspoon and each time the reader is asked to behave (or read) in a way that is unfamiliar, it will take them out of the story. Every bit (every step) of the story is ratcheting up the tension and IMMEDIATELY robbing itself of it with information that takes up a great deal of space. While the information conveyed there is useful (it's not thrown in for the hell of it), having it concentrated in such singular areas does slow this speeding train down here and there, unfortunately.
Despite all that, the characters themselves are amazingly done. The premise is quite touching and able to pull at the heart strings in an alarming way. I can see Wattys potential in this story.
It was a great read and filled with a very lovable cast of misfits. No one can go wrong reading this.
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