Manuscript Critique: a Comprehensive Guide

[10] CRITIQUE: In love with a Delinquent (Romance, Teen)

In love with a Delinquent By miss_teenage_rebel

chapter 1 (Chapter Title)
Contemporary/ Coming of age (Genre)
Coming into your own (Themes)
Third Person (some head-hopping)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)
---------------- 8.06.2020 -----------

Hello

thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (coming of age? Teen Romance? not sure)
- clear time period (present)
- clear MC (check; Heather)
- few characters introduced (too many: Heather, Lilly, Linda, Karen)
- tension / suspense (very low)
- a life-changing event/ decision (yes/no)

Firstly, there are a lot of good things to say about the writing. You paint a very vivid picture. It's easy for the reader to feel drawn in, moving there with the character. This chapter also tugs at the heartstrings, not just with the loss of her father, but with the second tragedy in which she cannot reconcile that loss enough to even express how much it impacted her.

In this regard, the characters feel very real and very sympathetic. Getting the reader emotionally invested isn't no easy feat. So right away, all the decorations of this chapter are up to standard and above.

However, there are no tangible walls to decorate. We start off with a diary entry (great idea). But then a scene with her closing the dairy. Right away, nothing comes of this scene. That's all right. It could just be a transition, I told myself. But the next scene doesn't even start with her, but rather...Linda (I think that's her mother). But then shifts back to her again and her getting groceries. Then she walks with her cousin and gets ice cream. Okay. And then they walk back home and that is the series of events.

I understand the reasoning in this course of action--you want to bring the readers away into this new world so that they can experience all that Heather sees. But real life isn't always eventful, but books must be. Each scene you put down must have a purpose. Each time you change locations, you are ERASING the build up and you must start again. We open with her diary closing, but this opportunity isn't exploited. This is a great chance for us to see what the character wants. Her dad's been killed, what does she plant o do about it? Do nothing about it? Are they fearful for their lives because of it? Do they have to go into hiding?

What is the conflict? What is the possible solution? What will she do to achieve her goals? And what's standing in her way. Rather than give us the very 'real' experience of Heather's day-to-day life, get her in motion--get us in motion and let us all know WHY you started her. Why this day above all others? What's special about this very day? What changes for Heather today compared to yesterday and the day before?

Your writing skills are great and I'm confident you can tighten this up without trouble.

(end)