Manuscript Critique: a Comprehensive Guide

[25] CRITIQUE: The Throne Of Nagmire (Fantasy)

The Throne Of Nagmire By Crystal Ross (coalblackrose)

(NEW CRITIQUE)

One : Wish-lighting (Chapter Title)
Fantasy (Genre)
Honesty vs. Duty (Themes)
First Person past (VERYconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌗🌚🌚)
Second chapter critique available upon request

---------------- 8.22.2020 -----------

coalblackrose Hello

thank you for letting me read your first chapter AGAIN. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Fantasy)
- clear time period (Alternate Universe)
- clear MC (check: Isha)
- few characters introduced (few: Isha, Queen, priestess)
- tension / suspense (good)
- a life-changing event/ decision (oh yes!)

This is my second read through for your first chapter upon your request. I didn't know what to expect but my God what a difference a rewrite can make. It's snappy, interesting, dynamic, AND informative. We get her hurt, her dedication, her devotion, as well as her sense of justice.

Hats off to you, this was amazingly done! There was not a single dull moment and you touched all the key points of the original first chapter without the filler.

Isha is a young princess beholding to her aunt, the queen. She's doing her duty by honoring a yearly event. But despite it being such a painful memory for her, she holds her head high and carries it out.

But there's more here than meets the eye and that's what this chapter shows while the original one did not. Something below the surface is bubbling up and heading RIGHT for her. She's ill-prepared but DETERMINED.  And man, that ending. I did not see it coming it did throw me for a loop. Bravo! I dare say I don't think I can beat you in a contest. hahahaha! Good! Keep at it! Drop by from time to time and let me know how things are going. If you'd like a second chapter critique, you are able to ask for one. I've also added your book to my 'Strong First Chapter' reading list so I can lurk and see how it's going now and then.

Thanks for a great read!

(end)

(PREVIOUS CRITIQUE)

One : Wish-lighting (Chapter Title)
Fantasy?? (Genre)
Dreams vs. Duty (Themes)
First Person past (fairly consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 8.18.2020 -----------

Hello

thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Fantasy)
- clear time period (Past / AU)
- clear MC (check: Isha)
- few characters introduced (quite a few: Nia, Isha, Arcelia, Queen, mother, father, two friends)
- tension / suspense (low to none)
- a life-changing event/ decision (no, but potential)

You've got a story to tell. There's no mistaking that. You've built a beautiful world here with complex traditions and expectations put upon the main character. To help her on her journey, she's enlisted her cousin and some other friends.

The first thing I would do is reduce the cast. Do you need both Nia AND the cousin? How about the antagonistic cousin? Or if you must, how about the those two and the queen and the MC? Just four?

As I read this, I imagined a movie unfolding. Everything from the start to finish. You make it clear and easy to follow. That being said, there are a few things needed that aren't in play here.

A crisis. Let me explain. Less of a crisis and more of a clear problem and/or quest. As of now, your character shows us an ordinary day. Well, that's not quite true. This is an important day for her--for everyone. This is the day you chose to start your story. Not the day after, not the day before, but this very day. Why is that? Was there something she did on this very day that was so striking and life-changing that it erupted into a novel? I know there is. But as of this moment, I cannot say what.

As mentioned above, there needs to be a life changing decision or event. What happens today in this story that will change her life for the better or worse? And how will she fix it, and how will she cope? Even if it's just an event that conjures up long forgotten memories of her suffering parents, what will happen now? And can you give us a HINT of that by the very end? You know this story's amazing. No need to keep it a secret. Share with us that life-changing event. Why this day? Why not any other. And what happens if she doesn't solve her problem?

Also, though you haven't requested it, I do feel that the current cover doesn't do your great writing justice. So I've made a few for you if you'd like to try them. I'm no cover artist and they are rather generic but you are welcomed to them if you like.

Please let me know. I have them on Google Drive.

(end)

P.S. If I'm honest, this one's my favorite: