Manuscript Critique: a Comprehensive Guide

[16] CRITIQUE: The green coat of luck (Male Victim Female Abuser)

The green coat of luck By untitledsoul_

Chapter I, Franklin or Frank  (Chapter Title)
Contemporary / YA (Genre)
Abuse / female abuser (Themes)
First Person Past (inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 8.12.2020 -----------

Hello

thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (contemporary / YA??)
- clear time period (present/past?)
- clear MC (check; Franklin, Mrs. Robinson)
- few characters introduced (few: Franklin, Bella, Mrs. Robinson)
- tension / suspense (low)
- a life-changing event/ decision (unclear)

You've chosen a topic that isn't seen every day. It's quite ambitious. We get introduced to Franklin who has been living with an abusive woman since he was five. Now eighteen, Franklin wants to escape her and her sexual abuse that he is subjected to almost daily. He seeks out work to try and save some money for his escape.

On paper, that premise is sound, but in execution, some things don't connect. The narration reads tongue in cheek--meaning that the author knows how taboo this topic is, and is quite pleased with writing it. That's okay, but here are some some possible plot holes that need filling.

- he only has a piece of cloth to cover him, not even a blanket. He makes no indication that he has proper clothes, yet he's going out from the barn to find work. How?

- he suspects that no one from the house (none of the other foster kids) know about his existence. Okay, but he's been there since he was five, has he been in the barn since he was five? If so, then why has he never strayed or wandered off? People around must have seen traces of him. No one from foster care EVER came to check in on him? NEVER. Not even once? Because Mrs. Robinson gets money for each child and must account for that child. Doesn't that mean he has to be accounted for at school, too?

- he's been in the barn most of his life, yet he has the ability to read and learn about God and such. That seems very unlikely. She'd want him to know as little as possible because the more dependent he is on her, the less likely he can EVER leave her side.

- he finds work from neighbors who don't like Mrs. Robinson. But do any of them ask him where he's from? What does he tell them? What does his job entail? What is he trained for since he doesn't go to school?

There are a number of instances that are often considered cliches that pop up:

1. waking up scene
2. her name is literally Mrs. Robinson (reminding us of media that depict an old woman going after a young man)
3. so many instances of the exclamation mark.
4. the way she talks is rather two-dimensional
5. he has knowledge he shouldn't have with no explanation as to why. (i.e. he knew what she was doing was illegal. How can he know without someone--something telling him?

Overall, it's a unique take to show the roles of abuser and victim reversed. It's a good subject to talk about and I'm sure you can find an audience who'll devour it based on it's uniqueness alone. It's ambitious. Keep at it.

(End)