Manuscript Critique: a Comprehensive Guide

[44] CRITIQUE: The Night Solace (Horror | Paranormal)

The Night Solace By HC_Leung

Contact, Reconnect, Closure (Chapter Title)
Paranormal | Short Story (Genre)
Perception vs. Reality (Themes)
Third Person Past (consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)
---------------- 9.06.2020 -----------

Hi,

Thank you for letting me read your chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter:

- clear genre (Paranormal | Short Story)
- clear time period (past leading to modern)
- clear MC (Yes, Finneke )
- few character introductions (check, Einneke/ creature/ Elena / soldier)
- suspense / tension (yes/no)
- a life-changing decision / event (yes/no)

I wasn't sure what to expect going into your short story. Folklore is such an interesting genre, especially folklore from other countries. Mixing in fantasy and modern events is always risky because folklore tends to build on our perception of reality and current events...well, that's reality, reality. Finding a good balance between the two is key.

Your prose was very good and I hardly saw any grammar issues for you to tackle. You obviously know how to set up a story and the components needed to make it flow well. I do think this flowed well.

Some of the ways that you used English was a bit jarring. It wasn't necessarily wrong, but it wasn't a natural way for the sentences to be put together. Still, your high skill set meant that the story could continue uninterrupted.

So let's get to the story and all it has to offer. And it does have a lot to offer. You split it into three parts, I think, to help the rhythm. I'm not sure if this is actually necessary but doing it this way could have an added benefit. To me, it was simply a one-off that needed no pauses. How an author decides to present his/her work is entirely up to the author alone.

My concern lies only with the impact of the story itself. It's well-written, well-presented. When I think about the impact, I imagine someone swinging with all their might ... and hitting me with a plastic bat.  There's an impact, but I'm not knocked off my feet. In this hour in which I waited to write this review, I asked myself WHY. Why wasn't I knocked straight through the gut and rendered dazed and astonished by this swing of the bat.

The answer...is change. Nothing changes. A story may look linear but, in fact, a story is a circle. And things that come full circle leave the biggest impact. Something that's wrong in the beginning, something that's introduced in the beginning, something that's there at the start, once you've begun your journey, should you circle right back around to it, that's the impact. There's no circle here.

How it ends, needs to be how it began. Do you know the movie "Collateral?" In the beginning, the hit-man conveys a story about a man dying unnoticed on the subway line. The story ends with that SAME hit-man dying unnoticed on a subway line. That's the circle. For a story THIS short to have a bigger impact, it MUST do double time and, in my humble opinion, must end where it began--with something in the beginning given a completion. If it ends the way it ends now, perhaps it should start with Finneke arguing AGAINST such a thing (that he himself eventually ends up doing), saying that there's NEVER reason or an excuse for something like that. Maybe as they approach the island, a soldier engages him in conversation about what this monster does and why it needed to die. And Finneke defends it saying, "That is not of the monster's choosing." Or something along those lines. Whatever that reasons, I sincerely think the ending should bring a closure to something opened in the beginning. As of this moment, though all three parts tie in together well, and progress well also, there is no closure for something (some question or challenge)  opened in the beginning. Otherwise, it runs the risk of being easily forgotten.

This is just my two cents. Do with it what you will. If you'd like an example of a short story that does double duty, you could check out Siennafrost's "Siren." This short story is under 5k and must do double duty to make an impact.  Good luck.

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