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Receive an in-depth critique of your first chapter. Find out what works and what doesn't. This is an honest and fair assessment aimed to help you polish your work. I've taught English for fourte...
Chapter 1 (Chapter Title) High Fantasy (Genre) Outcasts (Themes) Third Person Past (consistent) Suspense level (🌝🌝🌝🌚🌚)
---------------- 11.23.2020 -----------
Hello
Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.
- clear genre (High Fantasy) - clear time period (Unknown, Alternate Universe) - clear MC (Alben) - few characters introduced (few: Alben, Eldon, Laisren, girl) - tension / suspense (moderate) - a life-changing event / decision (Yes)
Grammar is your weak spot, but luckily, a good story is not. You have good lore here and the pacing is also enjoyable. Some transitions were a bit abrupt and could have done with a softer segue, like when he left Eldon's house, for example.
I like the dynamic between the people of the city. Once again the humans are up to no good but it's nice to see an MC that straddles both worlds.
Don't take offense but some sentences didn't read natural like that from a native speaker. If you are an English native speaker, then your typos are extended farther than just single words. The book started off slow and it was awash in repetition but even so, I enjoyed this first chapter and wouldn't mind checking out the second.
A quick edit is all this chapter really needs to make it shine.
P.S.
FACT CHECKING: The name 'Alben' sounds very similar to the world in German 'albern' which literally translates to 'foolish' or 'silly' or 'insane.' Is this intentional?
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