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Receive an in-depth critique of your first chapter. Find out what works and what doesn't. This is an honest and fair assessment aimed to help you polish your work. I've taught English for fourte...
Dragon Husbandry [The Adventures of Mo: Book 1] By tuq_joi
1 - Let Sleeping Dragons Lie, 2 - It Bites, & 3 (Chapter Title) Fantasy (Genre) Hubris (Themes) Third Person Past (surprisingly consistent) Suspense level (🌝🌝🌝🌚🌚)
---------------- 11.23.2020 -----------
Hello
Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.
- clear genre (High Fantasy) - clear time period (Unknown, Alternate Universe) - clear MC (Mo) - few characters introduced (few: Mo, dragon, 23 the robot) - tension / suspense (moderate) - a life-changing event / decision (Unsure)
I'm a language major. I know that language means different things to different people but I agree with those who say it is a tool and its function is to communicate thoughts and nothing more. Wattpad is the first time I've encountered this situation of 'they/them' being used to refer to one person.
It's confusing. Whether the author is married to this concept or not will determine if this remains. It's fine to remain, but know that many readers might find it confusing and simply move on to another story.
Firstly, the title is great. I really wanted to get to this story for the title alone! It wasn't what I expected, but that's not a bad thing!
The concept is very interesting. Newly disgraced and fired dragon trainer, Mo, is brought back in for one last mission. The world is a cross between tech and magic. Everything's mixed in and anything can happen.
My favorite character so far is the robot. We meet 23 briefly and I like the description. I also like the fact that all smiles and semblances of emotion are referred to as 'mimicry' because this keeps with the uncanny tone of the chapters.
The chapters are also bite-sized, no more than 2 to 3 minutes long. I really do feel that they can be combined into one big chapter. Chapters 1-3, for example, can work just fine as is. It's a great start and I would love to read more. My only turn off is the 'they/them' because I wasn't sure if the dragon was also referred to this way.
If avoiding labels for the MC is of great importance, this is the time to use First Person Past POV. I usually don't advocate First person because it's hard to maintain, but I think it would go a long way in this story. That way, the author can keep the MC as is, and the reader can also follow a bit more smoothly.
Either way, it seems like a fun ride and it's off to a good start.
Sadly, the current first chapter by itself doesn't really fulfill all the first-chapter requirements. But it does keep the reader's interest long enough and whets the appetite for chapters 2 and 3. Again, combining them would be great, but if they remain as is, I think a new reader who can forgive the sometimes confusing POV would eagerly carry on to the next chapters.
Well done.
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