Manuscript Critique: a Comprehensive Guide

[21] CRITIQUE: If Looks Could Kill (Paranormal / Teen Lit)

If Looks Could Kill By parisbybrina

If Looks Could Kill - ONE. If Looks Could Kill . . . Literally (Chapter Title)
Paranormal / Teen Lit (Genre)
Jealousy, Guilt, Supernatural Murder (Themes)
First Person (inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 8.15.2020 -----------

Hello

thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Paranormal)
- clear time period (Present / AU)
- clear MC (check: Ember)
- few characters introduced (few: Ember, Crystal)
- tension / suspense (low)
- a life-changing event/ decision (yes/no)

Ember is a teenage girl who develops the ability to kill someone with just one look. Unfortunately, she discovers this ability after causing the death of her older, more perfect sister. The story starts with Ember relaying the incident to Crystal of what happened ten hours earlier.  What would you do with the ability to kill someone with a look? And what would you do if your first victim was your very on sister?

These are all great questions and they are presented well in chapters 1 and 2. Because the chapters were so short, I went ahead and did both chapters. I typed them up combined then pasted it back in the comments.

You have a good command of dialogue tags and there weren't too many grammar problems that would hamper someone's enjoyment of your story. You also came up with a very unique premise. The ability to kill someone with a look, an ability you might utilize by mistake.

While this premise raises some great questions, there are some parts of it that aren't easy for the reader to take at face value and believe right away. Take for instance, her way of expressing herself after causing the death of her sister. She talks about it casually, almost bragging about what she'd done. She doesn't show much remorse or even consequences. As far as I know, she wasn't in jail for what she'd done, nor did she appear to feel bad.

On we go to chapter two where she accounts how she'd killed her sister, Diana, by mistake. I say her name here but her name isn't mentioned even ONCE in the story itself. I discovered this name from the chapter title. For these two chapters, we don't actually get to know much about Ember beyond her blinding jealousy for her sister.

It's good that the MC has flaws, deep ones. It makes her more relatable. Ember's raw deal as the second child is easy for readers to gravitate to. But when we come to the realism of the piece, that foundation isn't as sturdy. Ember experiences sudden bouts of emotion that appear uneven. It makes her seem somewhat unreliable because of it. If her reactions were toned down and more grounded, I feel like that will up the the believablity as well as give her consequences for her actions. As of now, we don't know if she plans to turn herself in and explain to her parents what she did, or if she plans to hide and pretend it wasn't her.

This is an ambitious effort and I'm curious to know what you have planned for it.

(end)