Manuscript Critique: a Comprehensive Guide

[77] CRITIQUE: Reasons Why I'll Never Be a Cheerleader (Paranormal Comedy)

Reasons Why I'll Never Be a Cheerleader by HurricaneKareena

Reason #1: I'm a vampire (Chapter Title)
Paranormal Comedy (Genre)
Making the absurd normal (Themes)
First Person Past (fairly consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 10.21.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Paranormal Comedy)
- clear time period (Unknown, possibly present)
- clear MC (Sana)
- few characters introduced (quite a few: Sana, teacher1, teacher2, James and three other boys)
- tension / suspense (moderate, but somewhat low)
- a life-changing event / decision (Unsure)

(Digs out the last bit of dirt from the shallow grave.)

Okay. I'm ready for you. (Tosses the gloves aside). Won't be needing THESE either.

All right. I've starred your chapter (which I never do), and I've followed you (which I also never do) because I know that once you pick up the pieces of your chapter when I'm done, it's going to be epic. And as soon as you unblock me after the fact, I'll be able to enjoy that epicness.

This is MASSIVE. I can't even tell you how massive this story is. And I'm not talking, "Oh, how amazing." I'm talking, "Holy crap, Batman, that's a lot of lore!" In the end, it's all about what you do with it and how you use it. Right now, you are using a diamond to hold up your end-table. You've got gold and silver flakes in the trashcan cuz they 'offset' the aesthetics of your water-clogged basement bedroom. And quite frankly, your alarm clock nestled under your pillow that you strike every morning at five minutes to eight before it goes off, is actually an A-bomb.

It's like you've got SO many wonderful parts...in the WRONG places. I mean, I'm actually amazed at how wonderfully they've clashed.

Stop crying. This is for your own good.

Let's talk about your good points. I'll be honest, this would be a shorter review if I kept with the bad because the good does outweigh the shoddy-dollar-store setup you've got. (Yeah, I said it).

1. (Even though I staunchly hate all who attempt breaking the fourth wall) you break the fourth wall WELL. It's light. It's crisp and I'll admit, I snorted out my unsweetened overpriced green tea a time or two.

2. Her personality is easy to follow. One of the shortcomings of this style, this 'know it all' MC is that they get a bit TOO overpowered in all they know. Not yours. She's about as dumb as they come and adorable as ever. And I don't mean dumb like 'stupid' I mean, dumb like (the average person we can see in her.) I can read her and think, "Yeahhhh, I'd make that mistake, too." So it's very relatable. The tone of the piece is also good.

3. Your writing. You might have a few (not many) comma splices here or there but overall, it's a solid chapter. (Claps). Not much to edit punctuation-wise. You're every indie editor's dream client (to a point). So it's good that you have the talent of ideas coupled with the talent of the pen. Nice. Nice.

4. The lore. (I'd rather not swear in my reviews because I'm trying to disguise myself as 'upstanding' but g'damn that's some good lore). Nice. Nice. Nice. The world keeps expanding and we learn something new about it. I love the idea of her being on the bad-guy side. It's fitting and I'm here for it.

5. The title and the first chapter title. I really REALLY hate when people judge a book by the title but I've gotta say, when I read your title, I was really interested in it. As a casual reader, you would have lured me into that tinted first chapter van to say the least.