Manuscript Critique: a Comprehensive Guide

[35] CRITIQUE: Fighting Love (Contemporary Romance)

Fighting Love By Crooksology

Chapter One♣ (Chapter Title)
Contemporary Romance (Genre)
Dealing with Change (Themes)
First Person Past (consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌚🌚🌚)(but increases at the end)

---------------- 8.26.2020 -----------

Hello

thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Contemporary Romance)
- clear time period (Present)
- clear MC (check: Trisa)
- few characters introduced (few: Trisa, roommate)
- tension / suspense (moderate)
- a life-changing event/ decision (yes, but it's not clearly stated)

When I look at the big picture with regards to this story, I think it's structured well. We meet Trisa, a young college student who's making some real big life-changing adjustments. She's apprehensive and excited to be entering college. It starts off very ordinary. She arrives at uni and is taking the steps needed to move forward.

The story goes into a lot of detail. I'm not sure if every bit of it is necessary--well, let me correct myself. At first I wasn't sure it was all necessary. But then her quirk came about. And when that quirk presented itself when she entered her room, it felt more fitting that she was detailed. Because it seems that is a big part of her personality. But while I now think a lot of that detail needs to remain, I would invite you to consider your reader's perspective. This is the first chapter, and we are getting a lot of details about the things she sees and does, and not much about herself and how she feels. The part about her sister is both heartbreaking and interesting. But we don't delve into it, not even a slight explanation of who she was and how long she'd been gone. I think it would have helped a lot to break up the details if she also told the audience about her sister. Maybe not pages and pages, but at least give us a who, what, when, where, how, and how long. Just sprinkled here or there to help us see more of Trisa's personality. By the end of the first chapter, we should have a good idea what her problem is and what she plans to do about it. So...what is Trisa's problem? Her roommate? Why was she so worried before coming to college?

Then the roommate. I'm not sure what to think. I believe, truly, that the way he was written was meant with no ill-intent. And if you need him to be THIS aggressive this early, then how about...making him drunk? In fact, when he grabs her, I was very afraid for her. If you want to show a sense of danger but that he's a potentially nice (decent guy deep down), then how about making him stumble as he yanks her to her feet. If you intend to show him as a monster, then that's how he is coming off right now.

I haven't read the blurb so I do not know if he's the love interest. I get the feeling that he might be. If that's the case, I recommend some liquor, either in smell or in how he stumbles around, and maybe give her a broom handle to defend herself, who knows.

What I really love about that scene is the take-away. Trisa's no pushover. She's scared but unyielding and that's an amazing trait to pull off so early. I do think her reaction was balanced and measured. And she got out of it in one piece, but the way the roommate attacked her, that makes it hard to root for him. If we're not supposed to root for him, then okay, but if we are eventually supposed to like him, either his personality needs to get a tuneup, and toned down, or he needs to be HEAVILY intoxicated.

Also, I'm not sure what type of English you use natively, but there were some words usages that might not blend well with American English. If I'm mistaken, then please take this with a grain of salt. If not, then you can fix this by making Trisa non-American herself. (Again, if I've missed this mark, I apologize.)

Please look at the video TUTORIALS in this book to see how to write dialogue and how to spot comma splices. You had a few. Other than that, nothing else really jumped out at me as I read.

The progression from point A to B was smooth and in the big picture, the chapter has a great deal of potential. We just need a TAD bit more of Trisa's personality. Nothing excessive, but a TAD bit more.

(end) If you find this critique useful, please give it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES section in this book. Tell a friend.