Manuscript Critique: a Comprehensive Guide

||4|| >>ANGELS WITH DIRTY FACES<< Thriller

I present you with ANGELS WITH DIRTY FACES. Rough on the surface but amazing when you stop to think about it. And well, there are some who aren't even all that rough at all.

4. Phoenix's Arrival By YN @Yn_2421 (Yn_2421)

Status: COMPLETE. Chapters: 50 (very short chapters)

How did I find this author? She asked for a review back when I offered free reviews. I overlooked her request because of an unfortunate experience I had with someone in her crowd.

What's the story about? This is the part that makes me hesitate. You won't believe this—it dances on the edge of Thriller/Fan Service at an alarming rate. I don't know if it's fantasy or not but I will say it's suspenseful and it's got heart.

- The Story: A boy-band obsessed 19 year-old-girl from India saves up, begs, steals, and borrows for a trip to South Korea in exchange for accepting an arranged marriage once it's over. The vacation starts off average and she's enthralled in the surrounding before she inadvertently gets dragged into a criminal underground world at a record clip. And here's the kicker...as she's swept up, it's the most free she's ever been.

What I like the most about this story (author)? It's a good story. The writing isn't stellar but at times I think it is. I don't know if this is a real diary entry, a fantasy, an embellishment, what? It's hard to decide what is real and what is fake. It's written in such a way that I'm almost tempted to believe this insane story is an autobiography. I know it's not but that's a pretty rare talent.

A lot of emotion went into this story. A LOT. That makes it very relatable. In fact, those are the bits that get me to wonder if this is really a good story that the author has or if it's planned out. The impactful moments hit so hard that I cannot say with certainty whether they were just inspired. I got to know the MC so well, and although I'm rooting for her, each and every new chapter has me biting my nails waiting for the bottom to fall out. I'm on Chapter 17 and I plan to make it to Chapter 50. I'm dying to know how it ends. Whether or not I make it to the end doesn't matter, the back to back tension and raising of the stakes is amazing. I'm truly impressed. Once you get dragged in, it doesn't let up!

Shortcomings. The writing is RAW. It doesn't get much rawer than this. This is RAW. Overuse of exclamation marks, some dialogue tags don't fit, fixation on this that don't get followed up with. Some round-about mentions that don't follow through. It's not terrible though. It's raw and young but it's not terrible. It just needs a light edit. I mean, you can read it and enjoy yourself as is now. You'll feel like you're talking to a good friend. So in some ways, I feel like maybe it brings charm. It won't get a serious reader to take a second glance, unfortunately, which is too bad because it's worth several. Don't let the raw writing fool you. That's what stands out at first but it's not what the story is about. I'd dare to bet that this is only driven by raw talent and not an actual skill. Because if an author did this ON PURPOSE, he/she'd have to be either God, or the devil. So it's got to be instinct.

BEFORE YOU START: Promise yourself to make it to chapter 3. The chapters are short and high impact so they won't lag. I will say that the talk about food and such, if I could edit anything, it'd be that. I'd combine those first few chapters and chop away the tourist bits. But here's the thing, I'm not sure how it'd feel without those tourists bits. You can skim those parts but once you get to her meeting the tour guide, slow down and read it properly, that's when the story begins.