Critiques, reviews, video tutorials, promos and more.
Receive an in-depth critique of your first chapter. Find out what works and what doesn't. This is an honest and fair assessment aimed to help you polish your work. I've taught English for fourte...
Chapter 1: Awake (Chapter Title) High Fantasy (Genre) Metamorphosis (Themes) Third Person Present (consistent) Suspense level (🌝🌚🌚🌚🌚)
---------------- 11.14.2020 -----------
Hello
Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.
- clear genre (High Fantasy) - clear time period (Unknown, Alternative Universe) - clear MC (I have no idea; the name is mentioned but not often enough to stick) - few characters introduced (Too Many : Aelrindel, Bezet, Alryca, Lumizavur, Ulrich, Fortuna, Eowyn) - tension / suspense (low) - a life-changing event / decision (yes)
This is my second time running into Third Person Present in one week. I could go years never encountering it. While the POV was consistent, I'm not sure it works for this type of story. Third Person Past seems easier to follow. Regardless, it is consistent and that's what's most important.
I wasn't expecting such a premise for this story. I understand the idea behind using a 'waking up' scene but if I'm honest, I've read so many chapter ones with the 'waking up' scene and never do I feel like I needed those first twenty plus minutes of the character stumbling out of bed as if greeting the morning was a new and expert skill learned in their slumber.
Especially since it took this 'highly perceptive' character a good hour before realizing something was different. I know the build up was supposed to help with the 'surprise' but I'll be honest and say that I think it hampered it somewhat. Because I KNEW something was coming, it didn't really 'hit' me when it came. I waited, and waited, and waited, and when it arrived, I thought, Okay. So this is it finally? Cool.
However you start is up to you but I personally feel opening this with the BIG reveal will be the immediate hook. So when she's in the kitchen getting her food and realizes what's off, that should be where she's frozen, trying to wrap her head around WTH is going on.
On a very positive note, I wanted to commend you on how you handled this subject matter. I wasn't sure how it might go but the respectful, yet playful, tone was very easy to read. I did find it interesting that the female form was described as being so petite and fragile. Also, the MC developed shyness overnight. Literally. While I, and most, would argue that morality or shame is something external infused in us by others. I'd imagine that the MC would develop shyness on her own. She could sit as she usually would and realize that she was getting strange looks and unwanted advances and therefore had to 'readjust' the way she carried herself. But this is a fantasy and I'm not sure how realistic you want it. But the same way I'd imagine I'd have no idea how to shave a beard, style a man's hair, or dress well, I hope to later on see the MC coming out of that house with a bird's nest for hair, clown features for makeup, and clothing that do NOTHING to make her disguise convincing.
But again. That will depend on how realistic you want it, and this is a fantasy.
Let's get to the main concern. The plot.
I don't know what it is. That's not necessarily a deal breaker as of chapter 1, especially since there are more than enough hints as to what the book is about. It promises something over-the-top and it shows that the author isn't afraid to take you places most normally wouldn't.
I will say that the info dump was a bit much. High Fantasy tends to be a bit wordy but the information coming our way is hard to retain. Especially with the roll call about all these people back home (most we won't meet) and how they'd react. If I'm honest, not much happens in chapter 1. At all. Other than magic, it is a typical day in the life of...everyone. Wake up, eat breakfast, do chores, take a bath, go to bed.
Now, we can break down most chapters into something similar in the big scheme of things, but it's not supposed to be THIS obvious.
Something more dynamic might be her finding out she's not in Kansas anymore, then trying desperately to get back (as she does to a point). But it's 17 minutes, so I'd wager that's about 4k for one chapter, correct? And it could have been cut in half (IMO) and you'd have lost nothing from the story. She even finds a path leading out but...doesn't take it. I'm going to need more convincing as to why she wouldn't. If it's because she doesn't know where she is or what dangers are out there (yes, she mentions that briefly but then goes about her day like a Disney character in a bubble), then shouldn't more emphasis be put there? Shouldn't she WANT to go out and find out if there's a way back but then the idea freezes her dead in her tracks. She no longer has height, or even an intimidating scowl and now finds herself retreating into the house, panicked and afraid.
That could be the conflict for the entire chapter (what to do now that she's 'diminutive') until someone makes that decision for her by breaking in, end chapter. If all those factors are in play, you need not go too far into the anatomy of things, so to speak.
Despite my criticism, I'd say over all the chapter was a success. The tone was good, the subject was interesting, and the character voice was rather sweet. I haven't read the prologue (I usually don't), but even then, I think a new reader can jump right in. I'll be honest, if I'd read on, I'd probably skim the big paragraphs unless they gave pertinent plot info; rarely did they provide it though. Rather, they tended to meander.
Be mindful of the patterns you reach for; there are quite a few. But they are easy fixes.
P.S. I am not sure this current cover does your story justice.
If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.
