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Receive an in-depth critique of your first chapter. Find out what works and what doesn't. This is an honest and fair assessment aimed to help you polish your work. I've taught English for fourte...
Chapter 1 (Chapter Title) Science Fiction (Genre) Rules (Themes) First Person Past (somewhat consistent) Suspense level (🌝🌝🌚🌚🌚)
---------------- 10.28.2020 -----------
Hello
Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.
- clear genre (Science Fiction) - clear time period (Unknown, possibly the future) - clear MC (Everett) - few characters introduced (quite a few: three friends who are quite forgettable) - tension / suspense (low) - a life-changing event / decision (Unsure)
What I find interesting about this story is how ambitious it is. It starts off strong and jogs along but never really breaks into a full run. I think the opener really catches the reader's attention. Instantly I was curious as to what this place was about and why it was structured as it was.
The boys, for the most part, are very clever. Despite their strict, draconian society, they decide to sneak out. The problem is, this chapter doesn't seem to know what it wants to be. More than one error gives me the impression that it started out as a Third Person Past story and was switched to First Person to perhaps bring closeness to the character(s) but ultimately it ended up doing the opposite.
We don't get to know Everett and his friends yet we are asked to care what happens to them.
A curfew is in effect, but we don't know why. There's a punishment for breaking it, but we don't know what. Even the strictest of homes had a 'Boogieman.' Even The Pirates of the Carribean had 'the kraken.' This story has...a stern talk at the end of the chapter???
Without A. getting to know the characters beyond a few names, and B. getting to know the consequences of their actions, we are numb and ultimately unaffected by the rising action of this chapter. Since we never see the boys interact or display their personalities, they resemble paper cutouts rather than real people.
Here are several things that would have gone a long way.
- What era is this?
- How old are these boys?
- Why are they breaking curfew? - Why is this curfew in place?
- What's the risk involved?
If these 'friends' are truly as disposable as they appear to be in this original chapter, then how about starting the story AFTER they are snatched up? If they (the events presented) don't matter in the big scheme of things, then the author must apply Chekhov's gun and do away with it.
At this time, we are unsure of what the problem is, what the conflict is, and a story without a conflict, is simply a statement. Take even the most basic tale, from the Three Little Pigs to the Lord of the Rings, there needs to be a consequence involved for the story to have an impact.
What exactly IS the conflict in Everett?? And what is the wild ride the reader has in store? Can we get a hint of it? The vagueness goes on for too long, in my opinion, therefore, rather than stir intrigue, it conjures up apathy.
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