Manuscript Critique: a Comprehensive Guide

[32] CRITIQUE: Redemption: A Reylo Story (Star Wars)

Redemption: A Reylo Story By brhr14

The Past (Chapter Title)
Romance | Star Wars (Genre)
Family vs. Duty (Themes)
First Person (inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌗🌚🌚)

---------------- 8.24.2020 -----------

Hello

thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Romance)
- clear time period (Alternative Universe)
- clear MC (check: Ray / Leia)
- few characters introduced (quite a few: MC, father, Pamela)
- tension / suspense (moderate)
- a life-changing event/ decision (yes, but it's not clearly stated)

Let me start off by immediately confessing that I'm so old that I'm a Star Trek fan. There. I've said it. But while I'm no Star Wars fangirl, I do know the basics of it. I have seen the originals and enjoyed them. I pretend the other three, including the one where the MUCH older Princess is now impregnated by the kid she once babysat when he was ten, don't exist. 🤷‍♀️ But I digress.

Your chapter. I didn't see any real grammar mistakes so that is definitely a forte you should lord over all you know. 😁

However, we've gotta address the First Person Present/Past tense elephant in the room. I never understand why First Person Present is so popular here on Wattpad because it's one of the MOST difficult to pull off IMHO. Even when using 'reflection' it's all got to be present. There are ways around it, of course, I gave you an example of it, but it's not easy. I've been writing off and on for twenty years and I still dread using First Person Present. So hats off to you for going for it.

But the inconsistencies of it drew me out of the story. Also, certain character POV were in past tense, some were in present. Going back between multiple POV within one chapter is already a bit jarring. I feel it'd be smoother if, while continuing with the current format, you settle on First Person Past, or First Person Present, and commited to it all the way through.

First Person Past isn't as difficult. But this was the biggest factor compromising my enjoyment of your story. And I did enjoy it.

Now let's jump into the story itself. I don't know these characters. I haven't seen these new movies but I will tell you, from your chapter, I kinda want to see it for this particular pairing, Ray and Kylo. Sadly, because I don't know how much of this is from your imagination and how much is canon, I cannot give you a great deal of feedback on how sound your plot is.

I will say that I do like Ray in the story and this version of events makes me really sympathize with Kylo Ren. You bring a very down-to-earth style to a very alien future. It makes it familiar. Due to your story, I don't know if I could watch these movies now without rooting for the bad guy. Was that your intention? To bring others to the 'dark side?' I think all the characters turned out the way you wanted them to. I'm curious to see if Ben confronts his mother about her arrogance. If there was a promised knock-out-drag-down fight coming, I'd love that. The arrogance of acting like the universe could not survive without her diplomacy, when it was truly her son who needed her more than anyone else in the Galaxy.

I felt for them all. I truly did. Fiction like this will keep this franchise afloat. Your love for the characters resonates on the pages. I will say that I am not sure about the format of multiple POV switches, but it didn't stand out too much and I could follow the passage of time well. It's just the tense that needs to be addressed.

I'm confident you can pull it off. Thanks for a fun read.

(end)