Manuscript Critique: a Comprehensive Guide

[50] CRITIQUE: The Betrothed Emissary (Fantasy | Coming of Age)

The Betrothed Emissary by Valentina Stone(Novel_Worm)

I (Chapter Title)
Fantasy | Coming of Age (Genre)
Love that is Free or Cultivated (Themes)
First Person Present (fairly consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌗🌚🌚)

---------------- 9.12.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Fantasy)
- clear time period (Alternative Universe)
- clear MC (check: Avery)
- few characters introduced (a few: Avery, Andrew, Eloise, Mom, Dad, Tristan, The king, Jamie??)
- tension / suspense (somewhat low but can be tweaked)
- a life-changing event/ decision (Yes. Oh yes.)

I suppose I'll start from an editor's perspective. Overall, the edit wasn't terribly cumbersome. You do have an issue with 'how to format dialogue' that needs to be addressed. However, other than the technical edits that I've pointed out in the chapter, as well as the shifting from First Person Present to First Person Past by mistake, the chapter reads fine. There is a problem of flow, however, because the pacing isn't necessarily even. Things that had little impact to the chapter took up a lot of detail and space, while things that were useful to the story overall, were glossed over.

For example, the first part about her hair and outfit took paragraphs, about 3 or 4, while the part about her having POWERS took up ONE paragraph, like it was an afterthought. Therefore, the focus felt a bit uneven.

As for the characters, this is another area which I'm somewhat baffled by. I don't know the age right away (which I would have liked to have had), so I wasn't sure how to gauge their responses. I did like the MC, though, which isn't easy for me in this age group. I'll be honest. I didn't expect to like her. Her response at first was very strong and I wasn't sure if it was proportional but as her thoughts unfold and we become aware of how she felt, the reaction seemed justified. But. It comes a it comes at a price. Because there's a VERY delicate balance between her being rightfully angry, and her having delusions of grandeur. So long as you keep the scales from tipping in either direction, you should be fine. Her stance surprised me but as I read on, I was compelled to root for her. The secret being one that Tristan kept from her was a BRILLIANT idea. Because it puts everything into question. Bravo.

Now, let me address this chapter from a casual reader's perspective (and a lazy one at that). I wouldn't have gotten past your first paragraph. At. All. I would have read that and closed the window and moved to the next book in my queue.

This is your opener:

I wait impatiently as Eloise braids my auburn locks. Once done, she asks me to turn around, pulling out some strands to frame my face 'just right.'

Would you say that opener is both compelling and reflective of the book's tone? There are literally millions of books at a reader's disposal. Millions. There are other books just eager to be read by anyone. Other books that start great and fizzle within paragraphs. It pains me to say that yours is the opposite. The first part lagged. Nothing interested me until the tense meal with her parents and I wondered...why didn't it start here? Why didn't it start with them eating, her looking at them, her brother, and realizing something was off. Why didn't we get details about her home being a palace, her father's status as the king's advisor, the prince being her friend, nothing? Instead, we got her looks and her hair and her face and her shoes and her dress and then the bombshell that sets her off.

The way you start this story is up to you. And if you read that opener and love it then it MUST stay because you have to write it for yourself. I will tell you, however, that I would have tapped out at paragraph one. And at paragraph two, and paragraph three. Eloise is introduced right off the bat but fades into ether after a few pages. Even the flashback later on doesn't include her, which it could have.

Like I always say, setting the 'atmosphere' should be reserved for seances, wedding nights, and cult meetings. A story is a start. And it'd be best with having a STRONG start. You have the talent. I'm more than confident you could have started with an opener that grabbed the reader by the collar, hoisted them up, shook them and demanded, "Pay attention! I've got a great story to tell you! BLINK and you'll miss it. And it'll be your loss."

(end) If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.