Manuscript Critique: a Comprehensive Guide

[14] CRITIQUE: Tales Further Out (Paranormal / AU)

Tales Further Out By Bellkipeg

The Choice (Chapter Title)
Science Fiction / Paranormal / AU (Genre)
Nature and Healing (Themes)
Third Person (some head-hopping)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌗🌚🌚)

---------------- 8.11.2020 -----------

Hello

thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (sci-fi / paranormal)
- clear time period (present)
- clear MC (check; Christopher)
- few characters introduced (Quite a few: Christopher, Dr. Hart, Vix/Victoria, Danny, Pete)
- tension / suspense (mid-range)
- a life-changing event/ decision (Yes)

This is a PRONOMINAL idea for a book. Let me just start by saying that the 28 minute estimated read time had me clutching my pearls. But it didn't read like 28 minutes at all! It went smoothly and if I'm honest, I'm impressed by this chapter in more ways than one.

It's not a cliched waking up scene. This character is having an outer-body experience SO VIVID that you want to cry for him. It's introduced expertly and in such a way that it doesn't feel shoe-horned. The character is also easy to like, as are the ones around him. His plight is very interesting in that he's trapped  in something far beyond his imagination, and yet, we believe it--we absolutely believe it.

But then the real world comes, and this is where things start feeling shaky for me. As a person who grew up in an abusive household, and not one brought on by liquor or drugs, but COMPLETELY sober, this is, dare I say, an area of expertise. I can tell by the way you write that you've never hit your wife.  😉  Let me just say that as I commented, I hope you don't take it personally. If I didn't care about the stories and characters, I would have read, closed the window, and made my way to the next story in line.  But I do, so here I am.

Abusers are NOT two dimensional. Neither are abuse victims. There are a lot of factors that go into an abuser and equally a lot that goes into that victim. I'm not medically trained but I will tell you that fear of abandonment is one reason why a victim might continue to let it happen. Which makes me feel like the ending, that last scene, can either be moved, or removed entirely for a more powerful ending. Now, someone telling an author how to end their chapter is beyond the pale. There's an arrogance to it that I will own right now. I'll own it because sometimes less is more. It gets preachy at the end. And all that effort that the previous twenty-four minutes achieved, is scattered somewhat by Christopher's behavior. No one likes to be talked down to, and that's what he does to these 'poor' people at the end.

I'd thought that him gaining their trust and redeeming Chris was the goal of the book but now I'm not sure. I am curious if we get to see Chris's version of things and/if/how they eventually converge. Again, the premise is amazing. I can't even compare it to anything because no other body of work comes to mind. I salute your amazing brain.

(End)