Manuscript Critique: a Comprehensive Guide

[27] CRITIQUE: Entwined (Teen Fiction)

Entwined By sclair_

I ▕ ▏new drama (Chapter Title)
Teen Fiction (Genre)
Starting Over / Youthful Fame (Themes)
First Person past (fairly consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 8.21.2020 -----------

Hello

thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Teen Fiction)
- clear time period (Present)
- clear MC (check: Cammy)
- few characters introduced (few: Cammy, Angie, Penelope, Courtney, two boys, a few teachers etc.)
- tension / suspense (low)
- a life-changing event/ decision (yes, but it's not clearly stated)

There are a lot of things to like about this chapter. There are a lot of praises you deserve for putting it together like you did. It read like a modern day Romeo and Juliet.

Here are some things that broke through cliches and were fantastic. 1. she wasn't unpopular. In fact, it was the opposite. 2. the story used a lot of everyday fame that is very plausible nowadays. 3. the main character isn't likeable. While this is usually a downside, I don't see it as one (not right away). We're breaking from cliches and maybe we need a realistic prickly character. I have a feeling that the love interest is who everyone'll be here for. 4. the rivalry shows some CLEAR and present danger. Good.

As far as first chapters go, other than giving us too many characters we'll ultimately forget about, it was a strong start. It had an incredibly good ending, too. It was snappy at the end.

Now that I've laid the good on you, suck in a deep breath for the bad. The pacing. I loved the ending, but man did I have to work for it. I say this candidly now because I know there are far more good things about this chapter than bad. Keep in mind, for technical issues, I only advise you to learn about 'dialogue tags' and how to use them. There's also a video in the TUTORIALS section of this Manuscript Critique book that can explain it. Now, back to your story and the pacing.

Let me put a disclaimer that from here on out, this is my opinion. The first half could be chopped out and the pacing would be better for it. There. I said it. And I'll tell you why. I know that authors like to 'build the atmosphere' and the 'ambiance' but that only works at seances, wedding nights, and cult meetings. We don't need that in a book, not to this degree anyway. We spent more than half the chapter literally following her around to places where nothing happens. If nothing significant comes from going to one place, there is no reason to take us there. One good warning sign is when the CHARACTER is bored. That is a BAD. sign.

Again, in my opinion, her arriving at school, then going to class (without meeting Angie's friends) and getting into it with Sandra, then the rival, and then the ending would have been phenomenal. Even better would be if Sandra was related to the rival. But that's just wishful thinking on my part. Because then she'd have dug herself in even deeper. The bit about the friends and how they met or didn't and so on, leads me to ask myself, what did this bring to the story or plot? I had no clear answer. So I ask you, what did it bring to the story or plot? If you, too, have no clear answer, you might have to do some house cleaning.

The ending was amazing and I would easily go to chapter two, but because I'm unsure about the pacing, as a casual reader, I might hesitate. You're off to a great start and if this is what your FIRST book looks like, you're going be a powerhouse. Keep it up!

(end)

P.S. You responded to one of my inline comments about having many characters in the first chapter, indicating that there are more to come in chapter 2. I will post my response here because I got carried away and, well, no writer wants to see a good example die. Perhaps it can help others understand.

You said, "...more characters come in chapter 2"

I respond with:

Do we need them all?
Invite me to a party. Show me around. Ask me to see all the games and enjoy myself. I walk in to this HUGE compound with water slides, a chocolate fountain, there's even a skittles pit. A skittles pit! But before I can dash inside and eat my way into a diabetic coma, you yank me to one side and introduce people to me. I nod, trying to be polite. It's the least I could do for this Willy Wanka-ish sweet, SWEET party I get to partake in. Finally, it's over and I'm about to PAR-Tayyyyy. No. Oh, more friends I've gotta meet and their names are coming back to back rapid fire? Are they a part of an attraction later on or...? No. No. Jut friends. Okay. I've met them. Here I go! Wait, what you mean you want to tell me about HOW YOU MET. WOMAN, I came here to get skittles trashed. SKITTLES TRASHED!

THAT'S what it felt like. And after I met everyone and heard their back stories, I was let loose into the party for the last ten minutes before an announcement sounds, "Thanks for coming to this once in ten years bash, but we're at an end now. I hope you all had fantastic time."

And I cry and go home, still chewing the few skittles I was able to get a hold of on the ground outside the pit I didn't get to enter. At least...sniff...at least...sniff, it smelt good in here.

😢 Thanks for the party!

And you're like, "Great, see you again in ten years?"

"Ehhh, don't bet on it."