Manuscript Critique: a Comprehensive Guide

[29] CRITIQUE: The World behind the Golden Spark (Paranormal)

The World behind the Golden Spark By Grace Mark (gracemark11)

Chapter 1: Vinster Villa (Chapter Title)
Paranormal?? (Genre)
Duty vs. Freedom (Themes)
First Person Past (somewhat inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 8.22.2020 -----------

Hello

thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Paranormal?? Maybe)
- clear time period (Present)
- clear MC (check: Meria ??)
- few characters introduced (quite a few: MC, father, Joseph, James, best friend)
- tension / suspense (low)
- a life-changing event/ decision (yes, but it's not clearly stated)

Your opening line was great at grabbing the reader's attention. The possibility of a haunted house was a pretty great one. I don't like horror or thrillers usually but even I was intrigued and wanted to see where the chapter would go.

firstly, writing in a non-native language is pretty difficult. You had some sentences that read unnatural to English but for the most part, your prose wasn't bad. It'll just take practice to get used to English since speaking and writing are two different things. Still, you had the general gist of how to do it and that's a very good thing.

Let's go into your chapter. I like that she blocked her would-be husband. It shows she's tough and although she's forced into this, she won't go quietly. Very cool. I'm curious to see how the man reacted to being blocked without ever having met her! Very nice tension in this regard.

Sadly, that was the tension we really saw. Instead, she cleans the house...a lot. And often. And then just when we get to a potentially good area about the box...poof, it's over. Now, I think this is intentional and it's a way to drag the reader a long, but if something is dangled before us for too long OR we think we won't get it anyway, sometimes we give up. I felt that way a bit by the end of the chapter. I waited patiently to get my big BAM moment and just when it seemed in reach, it fades to black (so to speak).  Therefore, we don't see what genre this is right away. And we get no promise of what to expect from the entire book going forward.

Because of this, I did not leave the first chapter feeling full and sated. I left wondering if chapter two would also start off with so much promise (The house is haunted) and then yank that prospect out of my reach once I get to the end. Trust is a big issue with regards to reading. You want the reader to trust you as an author, trust that whatever you do or wherever you take the chapter, there'll be a payoff (a reward) at the end of it. I did not get a  reward. I stood in line for an hour with my hand out to get a sticker, and all I got was a handshake and a goodbye. Sure, the handshake wasn't bad, but I had my heart set on a sticker. 😢 Where's my sticker?

In conclusion, while I think the chapter shows great promise, the unrewarded ending does send me aback as a reader. It was an interesting idea with interesting characters and an interesting situation with her and her fiance. Thank you for letting me read it.

(end)

P.S. if you have a moment, please check out the new FIRST DATE chapters in this Manuscript Critiquing book. It'll advise on things to avoid in a first chapter. If you like it and it's helpful, please give it a shout out. Take care!