Manuscript Critique: a Comprehensive Guide

[51] CRITIQUE: Mya (Teen Fiction)

Mya By dreamer_day

Chapter 1 (Chapter Title)
Teen Fiction (Genre)
Letting go of the Past | Depression (Themes)
First Person Present (fairly consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 9.14.2020 -----------

Hello

thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Teen Fiction)
- clear time period (Present)
- clear MC (check: Kaiden)
- few characters introduced (few: Kaiden, Adelyn)
- tension / suspense (low)
- a life-changing event/ decision (Yes but not utilized)

The punctuation and grammar for the most part was fine. In fact, other than a problem formatting dialogue, I saw no real problems with the chapter in that regard. The chapter ends very abrupt. It ends like a scene from a movie or a TV show, but this is fiction and segues such as those are ineffective in this form of media.

The opener was quite strong. But as it meanders in that one area for a long time, it fails to give the reader some much needed information.
1. No hint as to what caused the accident or whose fault it might have been
2. The repercussions for the fact that he is essentially alone and it might/might not be his own fault. What does he think about that in the big scheme of things?
3. What he's leaving behind in CA otherwise (i.e. significant other, job, friends, etc)
4. What will this book be about? His grief, his overcoming his grief? Something supernatural? Etc.

As of now, we don't clearly know his problem. Yes, there was an accident, and yes he lost people in that accident, but what is the open question that needs answering? What's his plan?

Let's talk about the male but not so male elephant in the room. This character (I'm sorry to be bold enough to say) does NOT read like a 20-year-old man. He reads like a teenage girl. I think it's the prose. He focuses on the smoke of the cigarette. I can't imagine many men romanticizing that. Take this line for example:

My nine-year old sister always launched into a lecture how smoking will cause my early death whenever I smoked near her. And now, I was still alive, whereas she was no more.

This is long and worldly, lightly, and polite. Boys aren't usually like this. CONSIDER:

My nine-year-old sister complained constantly 'bout smoking shortening my lifespan. Now? Well, I was still here...and she was dead.

Or

That was my nine-year-old sister, constantly complaining about smoking causing my early demise. Pretty ironic considering I'm still here ... and she was dead.

Boys tend to read a bit gruffer. Not mean-spirited, but gruffer. Whereas women read more nostalgic. Please get a second and third opinion before you tweak character voices.

If you want to make it more affectionate, consider giving her a nickname that he calls her.

Over all, the description was vivid and the subject matter was pretty strong. It was easy for the reader to become immediately emotionally invested in this story and this MC (male or female). But the end didn't capitalize off that as fully as it could have. Without knowing what the MC wants or plans for himself or his life going forward, we cannot know what direction this book is heading in.

What is the plan? What is the question to be answered? And who caused that accident and how?

(end) If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.