Manuscript Critique: a Comprehensive Guide

[47] (R) CRITIQUE: Danger (Supernatural)

Danger by Kokujin18

I'll be up front, I did not finish this chapter. I make it my point of duty to always finish because I know it stings when someone doesn't finish your story. So I'll be forthcoming and I won't sugarcoat it. This is out of respect for the author's craft and not an act of malice. I actually started this story three times. I started three times, and I stopped three times. Each time I got a little farther but ultimately, I tapped out at the possible escape scene. I say possible because as soon as it began, I decided this was far enough for me.

The writing was not bad. The grammar was not bad. The punctuation was not bad. The prose? Wasn't bad.

So what was it?

Imagine going to dinner, and it's a lavish setting. And you sit down to eat only to find that before you can partake in all of these scrumptious delicacies, the host is going to chew the food FOR YOU before putting it into your mouth.

Someone was chewing my food for me. The narration was chewing my food for me. I didn't get to experience the events to take me from point A to B first hand. Instead, I sat down for my meal, and then it was snatched away as the host took a seat before me and decided to tell me 'HOW we got to this delicious setting.' The host then recounts the events leading up to now. I don't get to experience it with the buildup. I don't get into the kitchen and watch it unfold. No. I get 'told' about it. Then the meal comes back before me and it's a bit colder than it had started.

Still, it was a good meal and the interesting-looking center might have been worth the tepid presentation. I start eating. The host pulls it away and reminds me yet again who made this meal and what all the connections were.

I wait patiently, because I'd liked the meal thus far and it'd be nice to continue. But this explanation is longer than the rest and when I got my meal back, I just could only watch as the host took a bite and instructed me to open my mouth so that he could spoon feed me every bit of the pre-chewed buildup while narrating who, what, where, why, how.

In my humble opinion, this story should have started when they first joined the gang with us seeing the progression. Or this story should have just ... started now without looking back--at least not right away. And as we walk through, we pick up the pieces as well go. The ingredients are flavorful. The powers and their uses is unique and compelling. But the second hand-feeding (the heavy past narration cutting into the CURRENT pacing) made me resist. So when I got my meal back (when the story returned to the here and now and not talking about previous events leading up to now)...it was a little too late.

This partial read wasn't a great outcome, I know. And it's far easier to simply lie and say I did what I didn't do. And I know you'll probably be angry seeing this. But if I saw no potential in this, then I would not have written this critique. A good story is there. It's just trying to do too much at once.

(end)