Manuscript Critique: a Comprehensive Guide

[86] CRITIQUE: Tsuki (High Fantasy)

Tsuki By LoganWolfrhamn94 LoganWolfrhamn94

Chapter 1: The Family (Chapter Title)
High Fantasy (Genre)
Hubris (Themes)
Third Person Omniscient (surprisingly consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌝🌚🌚)

---------------- 11.01.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (High Fantasy)
- clear time period (Unknown, Alternate Universe)
- clear MC (I have no idea)
- few characters introduced (few: Kaito, Yomi, Kai, Priest Pardon)
- tension / suspense (high!)
- a life-changing event / decision (Unsure)

Well, let me apologize in advance for your TERRIBLE luck. I am LITERALLY (not millennial literally, but actual LITERALLY) the worst candidate to read your story. In fact, you couldn't be any more unlucky unless I was fresh off yet another divorce while partaking in your chapter.

That's the ONLY consolation. Now, since the divorces have stopped and most restraining orders against me have expired, let's jump right in.

How are you unlucky exactly? Oh, that's easy. I'm a purveyor of 'tough love,' I teach English, I speak Japanese, I do critiquing (requested or non-requested), and I'm tactless.

Again, I am quite LITERALLY the worst person you could have bumped into. But here we are. And today I've got time, son.

Let me start with the things I hated.

Usually, I do the soft lead in before the kick to the throat but actually, there is far more I liked than hated and that will make this go a lot faster.

The things I hated had to do with the editing process. I honestly was disappointed in the poor punctuation. Each time I really wanted to get swept up into the story, it'd just jump right out and I was back to critiquing (and editing) rather than reading for fun. You don't really know what Dialogue Tags are, I believe, nor do you know how to properly punctuate any/all dialogue. This is especially troubling because it's not a very difficult thing to learn. In fact, a quick search online could easily fix this. This says to me that you're kind of 'winging' it, writing wise. Which brings me to my second point of hatred...how well you pulled this off. Like...I never really understood the Tonya Harding crowbar to the kneecap thing till now. I really, REALLY wanted you to fail, but nope, you pulled this off.

Curse you.

The last thing I didn't enjoy was the comma splices. I feel that if I invest my hard-fought and highly valued (by myself) time, that I should be able to outright demand that all punctuation be pristine. I paid good non-money to read your chapter. I don't think it's too much to ask that you entertain me, make an epic story, pull off an epic battle scene, using the hardest POV (Third Person Omniscient) around, all while catering to my sensibilities by NOT scarring me with 'comma splices.'

Come on. Stop being so selfish.

Now. On to the things that stood out for me.

Twenty-four minutes? A 24-minute chapter on Wattpad? Are you out of your mind? Do you know how tough a sale that is? Huh? (sigh) What are you, like, writing for the love of the art? (spits). No. That's not how this works. No wonder you only have a few hundred reads and that story's gonna die at the bottom of the Wattpad ocean, unloved and feeding off of lost stragglers like myself who are neglectful and lazy, yet have half-decent taste.

Welcome.

On a more serious note, other the punctuation, there are a few unfortunate shortcomings (that I personally did not mind) which I'm VERY sure were unintentional on your part. As I mentioned in inline comments, sometimes the lore became a bit MUCH. I understand now why it's necessary (in your mind) because it helps with certain aspects of the story but with a story THIS big and with a chapter already THIS long, you're going to need to spread that fat out a bit more evenly. The intro is great and instantly engaging. Even the second chapter that I meant to 'skim' because I don't have time today, drew me in RIGHT away. So you have that talent on your side. But even if I'm eating the best, biggest, most delectable meal ever, swallowing it whole WILL choke me.