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Chapter 1: Bump in the Night (Chapter Title) Fantasy (Genre) Nature vs. Nurture (Themes) First Person Present (consistent) Suspense level (🌝🌝🌚🌚🌚)
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Hello
Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.
- clear genre (Fantasy) - clear time period (unknown) - clear MC (Agetha) - few characters introduced (few: Agetha, Auntie, Uncle, stranger) - tension / suspense (low) - a life-changing event / decision (Yes - Maybe)
I did this critique with trepidation because you seem to be going through some doubts about your work. Whew, I can at least breathe easy as I write this up because there's no real 'bad news' I have to convey.
The writing itself is good, I think. The prose is smooth and the grammar and punctuation were fine. I didn't read it in fine details looking for errors like a proofread but nothing stood out beyond a comma splice which I commented on. So, as far as the way it looks, it's a clean chapter.
You paint the world very well. The immersion was total. It's a terrible apartment, it's gross, and I understood how she felt. Which brings me to the main event of the entire book.
I love the twist at the end. It's fantastic. I didn't see it coming and it felt right. I wasn't sure about her initial response but that's all right because it's up to the author to determine how the character should behave. I do stand by my original comment but I think the chapter is strong enough that all can be forgiven in the big scheme of things.
The function of the first chapter is to draw the reader in and get them interested in reading the entire book. For a lot of readers, I think you do just that. Would I continue reading? No. And I'll tell you why AFTER I give the disclaimer that from this moment on, this is just my opinion and you should seek out several before you ever make any big changes to your story. I'm not saying you need to make any changes, I am only stating my own feelings.
A few things to consider.
1. I'm old. I'm probably not your target audience. 2. I'm lazy, and while I do enjoy fantasy, I'm that walrus you've gotta poke to make sure she remembers to resurface and breathe. If it looks like work, I'm gonna resign myself to drowning. 3. I go through a LOT of books each month and with my limited free time, it's not easy for me to choose what to continue on with.
That all being said, here is the reason I would stop.
There's no payoff.
Half way through this terrible apartment (painted so well that my skin crawls), we get to see this stranger and whoa, it's a big one. Nice. Then it's gone and we get yet another mystery unfolding, nice twice, and then...nothing. Nothing. So while the premise is sound and the writing is good, I now have to go into chapter two wondering if I have to live longer in this gross apartment that even SHE doesn't want to be in. And I have to wonder how long I gotta put up with the 'terrible real world' of this poor girl before I'm whisked away to Narnia. I came for Narnia, or thereabouts. Is chapter two just going to be more of her misery with a hint that something's off? And what about chapter three--is that going to be more and MORE vivid sadness before we get this show on the road?
I don't know, but the ending doesn't hint that there'll be action (or the fantasy aspect) coming soon. Would it have been so bad for her to see something after all? Because if it ended with her seeing something (even if nothing is done about it in chapter two but WE don't know that), I can feel like, "Okay, now we're talking."
Plain and simple. The world built for her is terrible (in that it's perfectly detailed as terrible). It smells, it's dirty, heck, even I'm hungry just thinking about it. She doesn't want to be in that world, and I don't want to be in that world with her, not for long. So this walrus is about to sink to the bottom rather than go back to that well-painted and very depressing real world.
But that's just me. And I don't speak for everyone. Some readers enjoy a slow start. Some enjoy each gritty detail. The way I like to read doesn't mean that's the way your target audience will as well.
In conclusion, I'm not sure why you are down about your writing. It's still good writing. It got this walrus all the way to the end, no?
P.S. I'm not sure your cover does your writing justice. IMO
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