The Blue Diamond | JJK 🔞

51 Too Young

*Five Years Ago*

*Jungkook's POV*

"How are you feeling now?" Doctor Xing asks sitting in front of me just like always, cheerful smile on her face and eyes gleaming with positivity.

"I don't know." My throat feels dry. She sighs and reaches out for the water bottle on table in between us and passes to me. "Thank you." I mumble twisting the cap open.

"Jungkook," she takes a look on her slip, "today marks four weeks since you came here." I nod my head. "And the good thing is that you are clean since then." A pleased smile sets on her face. I nod again. "So tell me... how you're feeling about that."

"Normal?" She laughs.

"Of course. That's what you feel being clean- normal. Don't you get any kind of cravings?"

"I don't think if I am addicted to any sort of drugs." I've been trying to convince everyone that I am not an addict. Yet here I am, in a rehab in far off in Shanghai.

"Then why you take 'em?"

"Doesn't everyone take them? To experience how it feels?" Doctor Xing leans closer hearing me carefully.

"But you're not legal enough to either take drugs or consume alcohol." I appreciate she doesn't uses the term 'you're too young'. In a way it's the same thing, but being young and being not legal enough are two entirely different things. Legally adult is a boundary set by elders across the world to discriminate the young people, because they can't stand inferior to people younger than them. And what does it even matters if I am not legal enough to either consume alcohol or smoke pots? Maturity comes first, and I guess I am mature enough. Talk about senseless adults who are good for nothing.

"If me being seventeen year old has something to do with it, then fuck it. It's government who fly around the world talking about what harm a drug carries and what are the consequences. They degraded it already to gain enough attention of billions of people."

"So you're saying..." she leans back on her chair, "that spreading awareness about the consequences of consuming addictive substances is just a marketing strategy?"

"I am not saying it's a marketing strategy. It needs to be known. What I am saying is that it brings curiosity. Things that come with consequence are a way for rebel. It intrigues, it tempts you to try them and experience what kind of euphoria you'd feel."

"Fair enough." Doctor Xing nods her head. "So I'd take that you were curious too."

"Of course I was."

"And I am also convinced you are not an addict." This time I laugh.

"Yeah, if I were then I would've been in some sort of recreational rehab than psychic hospital."

"Narcotics has a lot to do with psychology. But of course... were not gonna talk about it for now. Do you know what Schizophrenia is?"

I sigh running my hand through hair. One of the doctors in Seoul said I was going through Schizophrenia.

"Hearing voices as hallucinations."

"Right." She studies my face. That's why I hate psychologists. They make me uncomfortable and I feel too much exposed in front of them. "Your history says you are suff-"

"Were suffering from it." I correct her before she could complete her sentence. "I don't care what my history says or not. I don't even remember if I used to hear voices or not, but I don't hear them now, not anymore."

"What do mean by you don't remember?"

"I don't know." I look around the white office room of doctor Xing. It makes me uncomfortable, our earlier interactions were always around people, in open garden or cafeteria or by the pool side. This is the first time I am stepping in her office and it is intimidating me. She is patiently waiting for me to continue. I sigh and speak again. "There's this huge size of gap in my head that I feel. It doesn't wants me to remember parts of my life. Something terrible that I did. But I don't remember."