I need you, I need you, I need you

chapter 47-older brother

December 2nd, 2019
Rachel's p/v
After Tyler helped me clean up we cuddled for a good hour on the couch. He had to leave at some point so we agreed to spend the day together, which is today. Tyler begged me to spend the night at Quinn's so I asked if I could and Mrs. Delight said yes.

Last night was one of the worst nights of my life. Once again I got like no sleep. I kept having dreams of me in the afterlife. Except there was no afterlife, I was just floating in pitch darkness. I then heard a soft voice. I thought it was God but it turned out to be Darry. He grabbed my arms and we swam to the surface of wherever we were. The surface was just the edge of like a cliff. He pointed to the ground and I froze at the sight of the fucking grave stone. It wasn't mine though, it was his. He then started mumbling something but I couldn't understand him. He handed me a piece of paper that he had written on. "this is what happens when you take the easy way out". And then I woke up. If it's my conscious fucking with me then I have no intention in sleeping ever again.

I don't want to act like nothing happened yesterday, but I don't want to dwell on it. I'm here and I'm thankful to be here, but I just can't think about it too much. I physically can't. But one thing for sure is that I'm not going to depreciate this second chance. Most people don't get them.

I always wanted to go to therapy, but we just can't afford it. But now I have a solution. Quinn recommended me a support group who meets every Saturday in the afternoon. I don't know what's going to happen to me, because of the current situation I'm in, but I know I'm going to attempt to help myself. These thoughts just don't go away. You don't move on from it. You can't. It's too hard. But for all my angels who didn't get a second chance I'm going to get out of bed and get ready. I'm fighting and living for them.

My first act of self care was shaving my legs. Although I'm going to wear jeans, I needed an excuse to pamper myself. Now it's time to pick out an outfit. I need to look perfect. Not for Tyler, but for myself. I'm doing everything for myself now.

I'm wearing my white sleeveless top, my blue mom jeans, my white high top converse, and my red knit body-cross bag. The red on my bag matches my red phone case. I'm not bringing a jacket because Tyler said he has a surprise for me. I don't know what it is but it better be worth freezing my butt off.

I got here before Tyler even though he's going in car. To be fair the park isn't that far from my house, just a 10 minute walk. The perfect table was available for us, one under a nice sunshine. Tyler wanted to sit on the hill but for now I'm chilling at the table. It makes it easier for him to find me.

My sunshine is here. He has a vintage looking jacket in his hand. Is that for me?
"Morning sunshine." Tyler sits next to me and kisses my forehead. I lay my head against his shoulder. He kissed my head multiple times.
"The sunlight is so nice, right?"
"Yeah, you're so nice. Look what I got you."
I lift up my head. He hands me a 90s vintage white/blue leathers men jacket.
"You got this for me?"
"It's my jacket actually. I want you to have it."
"Thank you so much, this is so sweet of you."
"I kinda want a kiss in return."
I kiss him multiple times on his cheek. My heart is melting.

I trip on a tree branch. Fuck you tree branch.
Tyler giggles. "Soldier down soldier down!" He runs towards me but trips as well. I help him up.
"I thought you said the hill was flat." I say.
"Stupid mud."
"At least there's no sign of rain today, just sunlight."
Tyler drops the picnic basket on the ground. He takes out a white floral blanket and lays it on the ground. I help him flatten the corners.
"What kind of vintage goodies do you have?"
"Just the necessities. Pick whatever you want."