Bees & Honey [H.S]

Chapter 32

The dreading sun burned my sore eyes that was the aftermath from last night. Pulling down the blinds and fixing the curtains was the last thought that ran through my mind before going to sleep. I didn't even remember going to sleep, my body must've just eventually shut off, too exhausted with it all. Because truly, it was all and everything. Everything crashed down.

To never dare to feel anything is too simple, because eventually you feel it, and then you feel it all. I had been the one who only cried in the rain. For years I'd never liked people seeing me weak, too afraid of being vulnerable. It was hard for other people to detect feelings when it was already pouring. So, I'd simply kept myself standing in the rain at all times. I thought that I had done myself a favour, that was protecting myself from feeling. But I guess that since I adapted that defense mechanism- for what I thought was my own good, I haven't had feelings worth feeling, until now. I know I had said that I knew I could give him friendship. But now I couldn't even trust myself or my own words anymore. So I decided that it was better to stay in the rain.

I had given him all I could give at the time. It wasn't a lot, I know... But it was all I could give with all I had. He however had wanted more. It's just the way he is. And this who I am. Alone is strong, that was who I had become through the year. I didn't trust people, and I guess that was my own fault. It can look like I'm backing away completely, but I just need to slow down. It takes me a minute to see things clearly. I just never know how to ask for patience. Even when I've been head deep, guys walk away. So if I ask for time while I'm trying to make sense of my feelings, why wouldn't they lose their patience.

I could feel the minute Harry started losing his, and it was only a question of minutes from when he had asked for a confession of my feelings, pushing me. It was all happening too fast for me, and it scared me. I can't be open like him, diving head first anymore. That had caused my heart to break before, and I was no longer being reckless with it. It wasn't like I was sure that I didn't feel anything for him when he had pressured me in my kitchen. But he wanted an answer, and I didn't have one to give. He wanted reassurance, and the only reassurance I knew that was certain at the time was that what I could give him was friendship. Time and time again I had continued to say that I didn't know the answer to all the other questions, because it was the truth... I didn't know.

That didn't mean no. But if it wasn't a yes right there and then, it was a no. His coldness and the strain it caused on our relationship was enough for me to know that if I were to ever speak about my feelings I had to be sure. I still wasn't completely sure, but as I was starting to be I grew more and more unsure of Harry's. Even if I wanted to be sure, the fear kept me back. The fear of getting my own feelings involved and the fear of the idea of me being the one put on a pedestal in their head. That fear hadn't been proven wrong. Barely two weeks after he apparently had his first date with Camille, and ever since they had been dating seriously. So whatever I was feeling, he had made it simple for me.

However right now, I wasn't feeling much except from the dry throat, excruciating headache and my sore body. With my palms pressed to my eyes I rolled over in bed to face away from the annoying happy sun, letting out a big whining sigh as I did. I push my eyes so hard that they create psychedelic patterns on the inside of my lids. My dizzy head started spinning when I tried to follow them along and only made me feel worse. I contemplated what was worse, having the haunting feelings from yesterday or having the worst hangover of all time? If I wanted to even begin to become human again I knew I needed the advil, even if that meant feeling crap about last night.

In nothing but the underwear I had fallen asleep in I walked out the bedroom to my bathroom. It was only a short trip before I returned to the bedroom while I downed the big glass of water. Something I should've thought of doing between the drinks, but me from the past wasn't as smart... As you never are.