What's wrong with us when happy hurts

Sorry I could be so blind my ignorance has struck again

Chapter 20

Sorry I could be so blind my ignorance has struck again tore you open 'til the end Sorry I could be so blind

Sara

When Sara returned home from her shopping trip with her mom, she found Oliver sitting in his armchair in the living room staring outside, completely engrossed in his thoughts. She leaned against the doorframe to take in the picture he presented and watch him for a bit.

God, he was beautiful. How could any person be so damn beautiful?

He was just so beautifully broken and torn and ripped apart at the seams just to be hurriedly and clumsily stitched back together. Just like an old patch worked quilt. His heart and mind were littered with scars just like his body. And yet, he was still the most beautiful man she had ever seen. Inside out.

She gave herself permission to stare and drink him in a little longer until her gaze trailed over his body, taking in all the little details that would help her gauge his current mood.

It didn't take her long to notice the piece of paper in his hand.

The same one she had found him staring at last night, after their argument.

Their trip to a doctor's office with Caitlin had really thrown him.

She mused it wasn't that difficult to understand. Shit had just gotten real for him. Not that he hadn't known she was pregnant, but until earlier this week her weight gain wasn't obviously from a person growing inside of her, and he hadn't been confronted with the pregnancy the way she had been. Most of the changes she had been going through hadn't been ones that would have helped Ollie in making it feel more real, unlike they were for her because she was experiencing them firsthand. It was her body that went through all of those changes, some of them not visible or noticeable for anyone besides herself.

So, seeing the baby, hearing its heartbeat, plus its recent growth spurt, were all things that drove the reality of the situation home for him.

The realization that he was going to be a father was setting in.

And she was pretty sure that his reaction to it wasn't at all what he had expected. He hadn't expected to be this thrown and affected by it. He hadn't expected to get this emotional. To end up being this conflicted about their decision.

He was really struggling right now. Struggling to come to terms with the knowledge that yes, they were going to have a baby. And that they decided to give it up. Well, only if she was certain that Ollie was one hundred percent sure it was what he wanted. She wasn't going to let him do something he would end up regretting for the rest of his life. And as harsh and cold as it sounded, in the end it was her signature that counted. They weren't married which meant that right now officially he had no claim to their child, not without her consent or a DNA test. So, he could sign those papers. But if she refused to do the same, the baby wasn't going to be given up for adoption. Period. In the end when it came to the law it was her choice. At least until it was born.

He looked like hell.

Her hope that his run in with Felicity might have gone better than she had expected had disappeared completely by now. And it had already been very slim to begin with. The fact that he had still been emotionally raw because of their argument the night before and the harsh words she had thrown at him, couldn't have helped the situation. She couldn't even begin to describe how awful she felt about everything she had said. She hadn't meant any of it. She hadn't been able to push the pain she had felt after their appointment away, hadn't managed to put it all back in its box like she had wanted to. So, she had tried to distract herself from her pain and when that had failed too; she did what she had always done. She lashed out, trying to make Ollie feel as bad as she did. Knowing full well that he had already been in pain too. That there had been no need for her to cause him anymore. But in that moment, she hadn't cared. She had needed some sort of release for the pain she was feeling, the pain that she didn't know how to handle. And she had felt them, she had felt the demons under her skin stir again, begging for blood, whispering that she would feel better, that feeling the warm blood on her hands would make her feel better, would make that bone deep ache, that unbearable pain disappear. So, she did the only thing that had made sense to her in that moment, to push her pain away, to hopefully satisfy the demons under her skin enough to make their whispers go away again. And that was to lash out at Ollie, to wield invisible knives, to cut open his emotional scars and make them bleed again.