What's wrong with us when happy hurts

I'll paint the truth show how I feel

I'll paint the truth show how I feel try to make you completely real I offer what you cannot buy devoted love until we die

Sara

Sara hated to admit it, but the night had been brutal, and she had barely gotten any sleep. She had gotten used to Ollie being home or coming home at some point during the night over the last couple of months. Not having him here, not being able to verify that he was alright, that he wasn't hurt with her own eyes was something she was truly struggling with.

She really wasn't sure what to think about that. Wasn't sure it was something she was okay with. It wasn't like her. She had always been independent, even while being in relationships. She had never emotionally depended on her partners or had any issues when they hadn't been around for a while, usually being the one needing space. It would be easy to just brush it off as a habit, something she had gotten used to, but that would be a lie.

Falling asleep and waking up next to Nyssa had been something she had gotten used to, and yet, she hadn't had sleepless nights when they were apart because of their missions. Yes, she had worried about Nyssa, but never to the extent she was worrying about Ollie now.

Was it simply because of the still new and life altering position she was in? Her incapability of pushing the reality of what losing him would mean to the back of her mind, just to give her enough peace to sleep for a couple of hours, might play into that. She had gotten good at compartmentalizing and locking whatever was worrying her away in order to get some sleep over the last ten years. But there was no denying reality now; it took her forever to find a comfortable position to lie in, moving around to get back up and out of bed was a steadily greater struggle, one she was forced to face several times a night to empty the bladder that currently had a lot of pressure permanently pressing on it. And then there were the little feet kicking her, the little hands pushing against her and all the other movements inside her womb that were created by their tiny little girl living within her.

The thought of not having her husband by her side when their daughter decided it was time to come into the world was also something that was almost paralyzing, she wasn't sure what she had to expect from labor, there were a lot of differing accords depending on the source, and different to other women, it wasn't the pain that terrified her, no, pain was something she could handle, it was the fear that something might go wrong, that her body might betray her and their daughter, that scared her.

She was also uncomfortable with the knowledge just how vulnerable she would be in that moment, knowing that strangers would see her like this, that people she didn't know would be the first to take hold of their precious little Hummingbird and that she wouldn't be able to do anything if their intentions towards their daughter weren't pure. But Ollie, Ollie could, and Ollie would make sure nothing was going to happen to either of "his birds", as he had jokingly taken to calling them a couple of days ago. Sara knew that. She also knew that she would feel a lot more comfortable in that vulnerable position with him by her side. She didn't like to be touched by strangers, even less as intimately as one needed to be when a human being came out of one's body. She needed Ollie to be there. Not sure how she'd get through labor without him or how she would react to the strangers' touches were he not there with her to soothe the demons within her.

She loved Mila more than anything in the world, couldn't wait to hold her in her arms and watch her grow, the thought of her daughter brought her so much joy, excitement and happiness, a welcoming change to the hopeless despair it had been before. But those feelings came at a price. Allowing them to take over meant there was no going back anymore, no more changing her mind, if something were to happen to Ollie, and her promise to him they would raise Mila together, would be broken through that, she still wouldn't be able to give their daughter away as she had originally intended to. There was no way she could do it now, not after she let herself believe she could do this, she could be a mom, she could raise her daughter, with Ollie by her side, she could have the life she had been secretly and desperately craving from the age of fifteen. She had promised him she'd be in their daughter's life. So, if she lost him, she'd raise their baby girl on her own. The thought terrified her, unsure if she could do it. It was one thing to navigate parenthood and her mental struggles with Oliver by her side. It was a completely different situation, doing it on her own.