What's wrong with us when happy hurts

All I'm really after was happiness money can't buy

Part 55 

All I'm really after was happiness money can't buy, stressing every second, puking from the pressure, standing on the mountain that an average man can't climb waiting for an avalanche to landslide

Oliver was contemplating something that had been bugging him for several days now, something that had been nagging at the back of his mind, but he couldn't quite figure out what it was with everything that had been going on lately. He knew he should've been more focused on the current threat Prometheus presented, but everything had just been piling up and he had felt like he was being pulled in too many different directions and drowning yet again, just trying to keep his head over water. Swimming against the current while the waves were crashing over him, trying to pull him under. So much of his current situation reminded him of that horrible night over ten years ago; from him desperately trying to reach Sara and hold on to her for dear life but just not being able to and in turn have her slip through his fingers, to the feeling of drifting in the rough, stormy waters of the North China Sea, desperately trying to stay afloat and not let the wind and water win. Only this time around, no one was calling out to him. There was no lifeboat he could climb onto. He was all alone and the only way of not drowning was to reach the rocky shores of Lian Yu before all of his strength left him and he would succumb to nature's wrath. And he was getting weaker every day.

Preparing everything for Mila's birth, and trying to mentally prepare himself to taking care of a baby all by himself, tended to be on the forefront of his mind and Mila was and always would have to be his first priority. No matter what. He knew he eventually needed to find a balance and put her in the back of his mind while being in the field, but it was just really difficult to do right now. Especially when the thought of what he was going to do with her, who he was going to have take care of her while he was out in the field, always returned as soon as he put on his suit. Who he trusted enough to watch over the most important and vulnerable person in his life. He was still getting used to the thought of becoming a father, having another child, a child that would be in his life from the very moment she was born, more than that a child that was going to completely depend on him for a very long time. Keeping her safe and alive was going to be all up to him. The thought had scared him to death. Knowing that his little Hummingbird's life was on him, and him alone. It was going to be up to him to keep her fed, and changed and make sure she got fresh air, and yet try to keep her away from the press and other people's prying eyes. He would have to make all the choices concerning her health and what school to send her to and every other decision a parent had to make concerning their child all alone. All of those would be up to him. Right or wrong, he would have to decide and live with the consequences of the choices he'd make concerning his daughter. Always wondering if he was making the right choice. If Sara would make the same choice, he was making.

He wasn't sure he knew how to be a good parent. Both of his weren't especially known for making excellent decisions concerning their children. Both he and Thea had most definitely gone down a path he never wanted Mila to go down. And at the same time, yes, his parents had made a lot of decisions he'd look at now and tell them they were wrong if he had the chance. Even so, they had been wonderful parents. They had loved them. If there was one thing he was sure of when it came to both his dad and his mom, it was the knowledge, just how much they had loved him. And hadn't Sara gone down a similar path he and Thea had, and both Dinah and Quentin had been exceptional parents in his eyes. And yet, all four of Mila's grandparents had made wrong decisions, choices that had led to him, Sara and Thea going down a dangerous path. Nothing had ever terrified him more than that, than the fear of not doing right by Mila, by making the wrong decisions and screwing up her life by doing so, all of that leading to her following him and Sara's footsteps in her teens. He never wanted his baby girl to end up at the point Sara and he had been at when they stepped onto the Gambit.