~❤️~Always Better Together~❤️~

~ 26 ~

~~Journal entry starts~~

Dear Diary,
I have done a terrible thing to a beautiful soul. I hate myself for hurting her, for hurting yet another girl. But this was inevitable. This was bound to happen. I had to hurt her, break her heart and save her. She is better off without me in her problem-less life.

We were supposed to meet today and a part of me knew what the meeting was for but I still wanted to see her and know if she's okay. I should've cancelled and not talked to her for the next 4 months. I would've graduated in April and then moved back home. But you know somewhere deep inside, my heart beats a little faster when she's around. I feel like my old self. The glaciers around my heart start melting when she looks at me like that. Like the 'I am so so attracted to you and can't live without you' look, that makes me want her. I bet she comes to the basketball practice matches to kill me with her looks. God this girl is gonna be the end of me. Seriously!!

I told her nothing's gonna happen between us right after I was leaning in to kiss her. Who does that??? I am an idiot. I shattered her heart. Shouldn't have done that.

She kept asking for a reason why I cannot be with her, why I push her away. What was I supposed to tell her??? How can I tell her what happened the last time I was with someone??? How can I tell her that someone that I loved so much with all my heart died because of me and my secret??? How can I be with someone else when I promised my dying girlfriend, the girl I still love that she'll be the first and last girl of my life??? How can I break that promise??? Even if I ignore the past which I can't and tell her about what I am and how I feel for her, how can I trust her to trust me with my secret when I can't even trust myself??? I know I am not 16 years old now but the horrors of that night are still alive in my heart. The pain of seeing Jenna die in my arms is still so fresh like it happened yesterday. I still can't shake the events of that tragic night from my life. And I don't want to. Maybe I keep those memories fresh purposely. Maybe I don't want to move on like everyone keeps telling me to. Maybe that's for the best. So that nobody ever gets hurt or dies because of me.

Ughh!! She must hate me now. She must think of me as insensitive and heartless. It was horrible to see tears rolling down her pink cheeks, made my heart clench. But it is for the best, she'll realise it someday. She'll find someone who is human and will treat her the way she deserves. Sadly, I am not that person. Sadly, I will never be that person, not for her, not for anyone. I hope I don't see her again. Cause if I do, I don't know if I'll be able to stay away. Cause it's true, I am also attracted to her. It's not just her, it's me too. Dear God give me the strength to resist talking or staring at her. You know I have the best intentions.
Amen.

Until next time,
D.H.

~~Journal entry ends~~
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~Amarra's P.O.V. ~

I ran back to my room, crying profusely, wiping my tears at the same time, but they didn't stop. It felt as if a dam had burst open into my eyes and the water flowed fiercely flooding everything in vicinity.

I released a gasp after entering my room and locking the door. My breaths were so loud and every now and then I released a sigh. Of sadness, ofcourse.

It felt like my whole world had collapsed and all I could do was cry about it over and over again. I felt humiliated and shattered.

How could he go from leaning in to kiss me to we-cannot-be-together in 5 minutes???? How could he light the candle of love in my heart and then blow it off like it's nothing??? How could he??? HOW COULD HE???????