Won't you believe me? (Servant no more - book 2)

Chapter 20

Wei Wuxian drank the tea that Lan Wangji had served him, only mildly surprised by now. It seemed like he had finally gotten too shocked and overwhelmed for him to actually start treating those occurrences of his master being kind to him as granted. He did not know how much more his heart and mind could bear of this for him completely incomprehensible behaviour. He should be serving his masters, not the other way around. But by now, too much had happened and he was too tired and confused to wonder anymore.

He felt like his fever from yesterday was perhaps coming back. He felt cold and only the warm, now empty, cup of tea was helping him not to break out in shivers. However, there was no need to show this, he was used to hiding his illnesses, uneasiness and injuries. It was not a good decision to show his weaknesses to his masters. They could only too easily take advantage of them and it was never good for him after that.

Wei Wuxian shook his head slightly, he hoped the other in the room would not notice. He berated himself and was only short of slapping his own face. Lan Wangji had done everything to treat him kindly and never hurt him, how could Wei Wuxian be doubting him like this? It must have been his exhaustion combined with his returning fever which was making him twist the facts that he knew or believed true.

Yes, Lan Wangji would never take advantage of him. All he had done had been the opposite really. After all, he had even escorted him to a luxurious room and let him sleep in a soft and warm bed with a real blanket. He had given him medicine – twice! – and he had wished him good night while gently petting his head, something only his sister and parents had ever done for him. Such a kind-hearted master would not scold him or beat him just because his fever was coming back.

Suddenly, Wei Wuxian was thrown out of his thoughts as he caught himself staring wistfully at the pot of tea in the middle of the table. He had already finished his cup and by all means, he should not be wanting more. And yet, the pot was attracting his attention by the heat which emanated from it. He was sure that the tea inside would immediately chase away both his fatigue and the chill in his body. Yet, he would never ask for more on his own.

That however did not stop Lan Wangji from noticing how shamelessly and completely inappropriately he was eyeing the tea pot. Before Wei Wuxian's cheeks could even become bright red with shame, his master had already picked up the pot and was pouring him another cup.

Wei Wuxian glanced at him and when he saw Lan Wangji's serene and slightly worried expression, he knew that it was another one of his kind gestures and not a way to scold him or torture him. Without being prompted this time, he drank the tea immediately and then gave his master a very shy smile to thank him.

He put down the cup afterwards since he did not want to trouble Lan Wangji anymore. The tea had been brought for his master, Wei Wuxian would not be able to bear the knowledge that he had drank Lan Wangji's refreshment all by himself. That would really be getting over the line, and by a large margin at that. He then put his hands into his lap, waiting patiently for his master to finally tell him what his duties in the library should be.

It took longer than he expected and all this while, he was secretly glancing at Lan Wangji's face to try and guess his mood. Luckily, there was no anger or dissatisfaction to be found on it, however, neither were there any positive emotions. Lan Wangji's face was emotionless aside for his eyes which remained unreadable. It was making Wei Wuxian slightly uneasy. Though he had no reason to worry, he just had to accept his master's decision and abide by it.

After what really seemed like an eternity, Lan Wangji finally spoke in a kind, measured tone: "Wei Ying, do you want to read now?"

It was not what Wei Wuxian had been expecting to hear and it only confused him further. Had he heard right? Had his master just asked him if he wanted to do something? That was something he was definitely not used to in the slightest and his mind stopped working for a second. He could not tell for sure but he had a feeling his mouth even came agape from the surprise. After that second, his mind finally started functioning again and this time, thoughts swirled inside without any order.

No one had asked him what he wanted for the longest time; and before that, it had only been Jiang Yanli who would ever say this question once in a while before she realized that she would not get a response from him. Orders disguised as questions, that he knew well, but a genuine inquiry about his will, not so much.

In truth, it had been so long for him when he had to abide by the orders of others and obey their every whim no matter how much he wanted or not wanted to do it that he had completely forgotten what it felt like to be asked this particular question.

He was at a complete loss about how to react. He knew for a fact that he was not supposed to want or not want anything, and certainly he should not show it openly whenever he forgot to not let his mind wander into this territory. If it had been anywhere else, he would have already been suspecting a trap somewhere which would lead to a punishment whether he answered the question truthfully or not and whether he answered at all.

However, here in the Cloud Recesses Manor, he was not sure anymore. He had already lived through so many instances of his masters genuinely caring about him that he was sure Lan Wangji's question had been asked in earnest. His master truly wanted to know if Wei Wuxian would enjoy reading right now. When Wei Wuxian glanced at him through his eyelashes again, he could tell that the other was eagerly waiting for his reply.

The first impulse would be for him to nod and thus answer the question. There was no doubt in his mind about the reply. He loved reading and he had already thought that after his yesterday's infraction, he would never be let inside the library again, never mind being allowed to touch the books and read them. He was convinced that this particular master would not mind such a response, Lan Wangji would never be unkind when hearing the answer.

However, Wei Wuxian hesitated. Even though his masters had not told him outright that he was now forbidden to come to the library, it was certainly still true. No one would ever allow him to come back to the scene of a crime, of a sacrilege against books. After all, he had let a book fall to the ground yesterday and had not even had an opportunity to check if he had damaged it or not. Books were very expensive and he knew that treating them carelessly would never be allowed.

His hands started trembling slightly from the strain of his indecision. He tried to wrap his head around everything but was failing miserably. If he was not allowed to come to the library anymore, why would Lan Wangji take him here and ask him what he wanted to do?

But if his master was definitely asking, it was rude to not give an answer. What kind of answer was Lan Wangji expecting? Was he testing him if he was aware of the ban or was he genuinely offering to let him read if he would tell him so? He really could not make any sense of all of this and he was becoming increasingly distressed.

Suddenly, he froze completely when someone touched his arm. His first instinct was to recoil from the touch and to defend himself just in case that someone wanted to hit him. Before he did that though, he realized that he would be overreacting. Unless he had missed more than he had thought, there was no one aside for him and Lan Wangji inside the library right now. So it must have been his master touching his hand, presumably to snap him out of his disturbing and confused thoughts.

"Wei Ying, it is fine. I just want to know," came a low whisper from right next to him and when Wei Wuxian looked in that direction, Lan Wangji was kneeling by his side, a worried expression on his face, his eyes were shining with concern.

Wei Wuxian did not even know why he was surprised. Of course it was his kind and considerate master who saw him brooding over a simple question and decided to provide more support than his lowly servant self was worth of. Despite everything, Wei Wuxian was extremely grateful and calmed down instantly. With Lan Wangji so close to him, even touching his hand in silent support just like this morning, he had nothing to fear.

If his master really wanted to hear what Wei Wuxian wished, then he should not scare him like this and leave him waiting. Wei Wuxian lifted his head just the slightest bit and took a deep breath, gathering his courage. Then, he nodded his head cautiously without letting it lower to the previous position. He was wondering what would happen next. Lan Wangji's hand on his own was reassuring him that it would not be a harsh punishment.