Won't you believe me? (Servant no more - book 2)

Chapter 94

Lan Wangji only managed to calm his racing heart after a good while. His ears were still burning, both because of seeing Wei Ying acting so adorably earlier and because he was ashamed to have run away from him yet again. He would have to fix this kind of behaviour lest the boy could misunderstand and start being afraid that Lan Wangji did not want to spend time with him. Or even worse, to start doubting his promises.

That would truly be a disaster. He was terrified of even the possibility of Wei Ying misinterpreting his embarrassment and confusion with his own feelings and emotions as something negative. If the boy would ever come to a conclusion that Lan Wangji in fact was running away from him, abandoning him even, after he had promised to stay by his side and protect him, it would undoubtedly not end well. Lan Wangji frowned to himself just as he was opening the door to his room. A shiver run down his spine when he imagined the broken expression on Wei Ying's face and the bright light which had only just started appearing in the boy eyes going out again.

It should not, but it truly terrified him to his core. He could not even phantom what he would do should Wei Ying lose his trust in him. With most other people, it would be fine to apologize for the misunderstanding and explain himself and things would hopefully go back to normal. Not so with Wei Ying unfortunately; if the boy's tentative hope for a better life and his trust in Lan Wangji would be broken, there was a possibility that it could ruin the boy forever. After all, it had been hard enough to have him trust the Lans, trust Lan Wangji, and believe their words to be true. It had truly been a small miracle Wei Ying was able to accord them this honour so quickly. They could simply not allow him to doubt their intentions even in the slightest, it would be a disaster and they would no longer be able to save Wei Ying.

The thoughts were so distressing for Lan Wangji that he was starting to hyperventilate. It was something new for him – or more like an old friend who had come back after a very long time, he had been quite an anxious child once upon the time – and it was highly distressing. He could not help it though, even in the short time Wei Ying had spent in the Cloud Recesses Manor, Lan Wangji had come to care for him and his well-being a lot. Not seeing the boy smile freely and look at him with sparkling eyes had now become something akin to a nightmare. He could not imagine losing it and having to live his life without ever seeing a happy Wei Ying again.

He knew that these thoughts were something he should probably not have. The boy was his own person and was free to make his own decisions. If Wei Ying decided to leave the Cloud Recesses Manor after some time perhaps, after getting a little better at opening up and forgetting his terrible past, Lan Wangji would have no right to stop him from seeking happiness elsewhere. It would crush his heart, he already knew this for a fact as he had gotten overly attached to the boy, however, he would still have to let him go. There was just no way he could trap Wei Ying in a kind of situation where he would feel obliged to stay by Lan Wangji's side because of guilt or sense of obligation. That would be no different to the life of slavery he had lived until now.

Lan Wangji could not help himself and started pacing back and forth in his room. Suddenly, the walls seemed way too close and he was feeling suffocated. His continued gasping for breath was not making this any easier. He had to calm down. He was getting way too overwhelmed by something which would come only after a long time – he was sure for now that Wei Ying needed time to heal and stop acting like a servant – or possibly not happen at all. Still, he could just not help himself to fear this kind of future.

Although he definitely did not want to take the boy's freedom of choice from him, if he would not be careful and keep him by his side, he would not be able to protect him against the harshness of the world. If Wei Ying would leave the Cloud Recesses Manor before fully believing and understanding that he did not have to be anyone's servant to survive, he would just slip right back into his deferential behaviour and seek a new master. Someone would definitely take advantage of him and would abuse him again. This, Lan Wangji could simply not let happen.

He started pacing even faster, his mind was jumping from one distressing train of thoughts to the other and he was spiralling down into a panicked fit. He did not quite understand it himself, however, he was feeling very protective of Wei Ying. Not that he treated the other taken-in servants with horrible pasts cruelly or disregarded their troubles, he would never. But when it came to Wei Ying, it was just way more personal and it was getting under his skin. If the boy would turn away from him or stop feeling at ease around him for any reason at all, it would irreparably break Lan Wangji's heart.

The realization came to him suddenly and he stopped in his tracks. It actually surprised him just how strongly he felt about Wei Ying. Not that he had not been acting upon his feelings earlier, but right now, he also admitted them to himself clearly for the first time. For his entire life, he had only a few people he truly cared about – his brother, his uncle and once upon the time also his mother – strangely enough, it was comforting to welcome Wei Ying into that small circle of cherished people.

As if by magic, Lan Wangji's heart stopped hammering in his chest and he could breathe freely once again. The realization made him strangely calm, leading him into something resembling a meditative state. If Lan Qiren and Lan Xichen could understand the depth of his feelings for them, Lan Wangji was sure that if he tried to communicate them clearly enough, Wei Ying would come to care about him as well. In that case, perhaps he would choose not to leave even after his mind would heal and the time of his servitude would be long forgotten.

Lan Wangji took a deep breath, relaxing further. He should not be stressing himself out like this. Especially when Wei Ying had just started to rely on him and trust him. What he was fearing was only a possibility, one that was far in the future for now. Until it would come even close to that time, Lan Wangji would surely have plenty of opportunities to show Wei Ying how much he cared about him and offer him to stay in the Cloud Recesses Manor.

There was no way he would try to manipulate the boy, those were not his intentions, never. He only wanted Wei Ying to feel safe around him and in his new home for as long as the boy would choose to stay. And if he would still want to leave in the end, after a long time hopefully, Lan Wangji would not allow himself to be the one to tie him down and deny him having a freedom of taking decisions for himself. He knew only too well that the boy had been deprived of it for his whole life and he was determined to teach him how to decide for himself now.

While thinking hard about more immediate future and what he could do for Wei Ying to come out of his shell just a little earlier and be happier all the time without fearing anything, Lan Wangji was going through the soothing process of getting ready for bed. When he was taking his bath, he leaned back and relaxed for a bit and had to smile, imagining Wei Ying in a similar position and hopefully enjoying something he should have been freely given all his life.

He got into his bed and laid on his back like always. He watched the ceiling and it was becoming more and more dark around him, the curfew was almost here. He closed his eyes, a small smile still playing on his lips. He was not worrying anymore, there were many nicer things to think about. Like Wei Ying's bright eyes, or how the boy was surprised and delighted with the smallest of things, the trust which was now all but tangible whenever Wei Ying looked at him. And most importantly, the boy's smile which could illuminate the whole room in an instant. It was still the most beautiful thing Lan Wangji had ever seen and he wanted to protect it no matter what. Wei Ying should truly never be anything but happy.