Won't you believe me? (Servant no more - book 2)

Chapter 60

Wei Wuxian was walking behind Lan Xichen and his mind was going a hundred miles a second. Although he had told himself that there was nothing to worry if his master asked him to come with him, he could still not completely relax. He had had way too many bad experiences in the past and he was afraid of what Lan Xichen would do to him or ask of him.

The fact that he had neglected his duties until now, letting the cleaning of the kennels and feeding of the dogs wait until this late in the afternoon, was not speaking in his favour. What if the Lans loved their dogs and thought he had wronged them in this way? Would they scold him even though it had been them who had told him to rest a little after the lunch? Or had they not thought he would sleep for so long?

Wei Wuxian found it hard to stop shaking. He had no idea what Lan Xichen wanted with him and he was even considering if going to the dogs would not have been less nerve-wracking. At least that way, he would have known what would happen and he could have prepared for it mentally. Not that it would work perfectly with him being scared out of his mind because of the creatures, but it was still something he knew and could count with. So unlike his master leading him back to the Cloud Recesses Manor for unknown reasons.

If it had been Lan Wangji who had stopped him back in the forest, Wei Wuxian was pretty sure that his nervousness would not have been this bad. He had come to believe that that particular master of his would not hurt him, or scold him or humiliate him for that matter.

He should be fine with Lan Xichen as well; he had also never hurt him and only ever talked kindly to him. But there was a feeling of great distance between Wei Wuxian and Lan Xichen, it was something that would take more time to overcome. It could have been because Lan Xichen had not spoken to Wei Wuxian nearly as many times as Lan Wangji had or because they had not spent too much time together. Even though during all those occurrences that their paths had crossed, Lan Xichen had been nothing but kind, Wei Wuxian still did not get the same feeling of security he had when Lan Wangji was present.

He was actually a little ashamed of himself. What difference was there between the two young masters of the Cloud Recesses Manor? There should have been none. Both Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen only ever treated him well and reassured him every single time instead of punishing him.

Perhaps it was the way Lan Wangji used his given name in that sweet and gentle tone whenever he talked with him? Or those few and far between tender touches that Wei Wuxian learned to love and yearn for? Or the fact that he was closer to age of the second young master? He did not know, however, he simply could not trust Lan Xichen the same way he did trust Lan Wangji.

He had already tried to persuade himself back in the forest that Lan Xichen would definitely not take him back to the Cloud Recesses Manor to punish him, that much stayed true and he did not doubt this fact. Still, there was a little part of him which was nervous whenever Lan Xichen was involved. He always used such nice words that Wei Wuxian wanted dearly to believe them but could not let himself to do. If he would, then he would suffer all that much more when he would have to inevitably go back to the Lotus Pier Manor.

It would surely be too much to bear. Even right now, he had already had so many nice experiences in the Cloud Recesses Manor, he was sure that they could support him for a lifetime, or at least for several years. Whenever he was facing some exceedingly difficult trial, doing hard duties or being punished harshly by his masters, he would often try and think about a moment when he had not been that miserable. It tended to work, at least at times. But having good experienced did not mean that he wanted to believe nice things being said and then having them thrown right back into his face, more often than not with a round of smirking and mocking.

He had never had too many good memories to come back to, until now that was. With Lan Wangji, he had made so many that he had fuel for his imagination for a long time. He would always be able to remember his master's nice words, and how he had been wished good night by him, and how he had been given delicious food, and how he had not been punished even once, and how he had been given his own room, and how his master had touched him so gently and always had been there whenever Wei Wuxian needed support, and how his master had allowed him to read, and how he had given him medicine, and how he had allowed him to have free time and fun... There had truly been so many things, more than Wei Wuxian had stored in his memory from the time before he had come to the Cloud Recesses Manor.

However, thinking about all the good he had encountered here, it would be unfair to his other masters to say that everything had done solely by Lan Wangji. Although most of those had been, there was also a part which had been suggested by none other than Lan Xichen. Also, the first young master of the Cloud Recesses Manor had been the one to always sit down with him and talk.

Realizing this, Wei Wuxian felt once again ashamed of himself for not trusting Lan Xichen. This master had always been good to him whenever they met. He had never hurt or punished Wei Wuxian either, just like Lan Wangji. If he believed the younger of the brothers, why was he discriminating against the older one?

Wei Wuxian went over everything again, over all those times that Lan Xichen had been the one being kind and benevolent. He had even called him 'Young Master Wei' from the very beginning! Wei Wuxian knew that this was an extremely risky thing to do, but it had worked with Lan Wangji previously and he wanted to try it again. He would trust Lan Xichen and not doubt his intentions anymore.

He could of course not be sure that this was a good decision, he had after all been betrayed almost every time he had ever tried to trust someone. But he still felt like with Lan Xichen, he could dare to do so. He was Lan Wangji's older brother, and he had never been cruel to him. Now that he knew how great it was to have someone in whom he could wholeheartedly believe aside for Jiang Yanli, he wanted more. Although he usually never pitied himself, he thought that perhaps in this distance, it really was pitiful to not have anyone he could trust like this.

If he was not about to do the first step, how could it ever be accomplished? He would do his best to try; what worse could happen than having his hopes crushed into dust? He had lived through that many times before, it would be nothing new, he knew he would survive it. But if it worked, how wonderful would that be?

Yes, he would fully trust that Lan Xichen would not hurt him or be cruel to him and he would not question his intentions anymore. Believing his nice words though, that was another matter, he would need more time for that; they were simply too good to be true.