Won't you believe me? (Servant no more - book 2)

Chapter 43

Mo Xuanyu finished telling his story and remained silent. His eyes were glued to the ground, fixed on a single stem of grass. He had thought that he had already come on terms with his past and how he had not been able to help Wei Wuxian in any way. Sure, he had tried his best, but it had not been largely enough. He was sure he should have, and most probably could have done way more.

Now that Wei Wuxian's sister was sitting right next to him and listening to the horrors her brother had to go through in the Koi Tower, Mo Xuanyu had no excuse for his past behaviour and lack of efforts. He was extremely embarrassed and he did not even dare to look at her. He was sure that whatever he would see – disappointment, rejection, anger, displeasure, blame, or even worse, complete blankness – he would not like it.

So he just remained sitting on the spot, barely breathing and waiting for Jiang Yanli to tell him what he himself already knew. He should have done something more, he should have fought and supported Wei Wuxian with more determination. He should have made a difference. No matter if he would not have been able to do it in the end, he should have at least tried harder.

He was now embarrassed about his weakness. Moreover, he was also feeling bad because of another reason. Ever since Wei Wuxian had disappeared from the Koi Tower Manor, Mo Xuanyu had not really tried to get in touch with him or tell anyone about the boy's predicaments. After a while, he had even forgotten about Wei Wuxian entirely and only selfishly focused on himself. He had never told Lan Xichen that his friend could also be in need of help after he was brought to the Cloud Recesses Manor.

That was what Mo Xuanyu realized only now. Of course, he was in the Cloud Recesses Manor only for a short while, but during that time, he should have remembered Wei Wuxian's existence. If he asked Lan Xichen to help the boy, perhaps he could have still spare his friend several months of suffering. He felt like the worst failure of a human being ever.

Compared to him, Jiang Yanli looked like a saint. Mo Xuanyu had seen her around her brother and he could tell that Wei Wuxian liked her very much. The boy felt safe around her. Mo Xuanyu was happy for that, he had no family he could rely on but he was glad Wei Wuxian was not in the same position. His friend behaved in a relaxed manner around Jiang Yanli, apparently seeing her as someone who would protect him against any bad treatment. That was something he had once tried to do but had failed. Although not completely, it had been close enough to that. He was determined to definitely do better in the future.

Mo Xuanyu never noticed Jian Yanli approaching him and so he was surprised when he felt slender and warm hands wrapping around his body. It was so strange to be hugged by someone after so long. No one had touched him in this way ever since he had left the house of his mother and went to serve in the Koi Tower Manor.

It felt like a miracle to once again experience human kindness. Not that the Lans or the other servants and inhabitants of the Cloud Recesses Manor treated him badly, but they were not ones to indulge in giving comfort via physical contact. It reminded Mo Xuanyu about all the good times he had spent with his mother and it made him very emotional.

It had truly been too long, moreover, it had also come without a warning. He sank into the embrace and put his head on Jiang Yanli's shoulder. Somewhere in the very back of his mind, he knew he should not be doing this, but he could just not help himself. Despite all the difference in his and Jiang Yanli's social statuses, despite them being a boy and a girl, he wrapped his arms around the smaller and softer body and returned the hug.

He did not even know exactly when something inside of him broke and he started crying. He was trying to be as silent as possible. It was bad enough that Jiang Yanli found it necessary to offer him comfort, she should have been with her brother and helping him.

But Mo Xuanyu also did not want to embarrass himself any more in front of her. He should not be wailing like a small child and complain about his past when Jian Yanli's own brother had known much worse. He should have been strong and not so weak to require comfort from his friend's sister when Wei Wuxian needed it way more. He felt like he was stealing affection which should belong to someone else.

Still, he was grateful to be reminded of the happy time in his youth, the days he had spent with his mother and when he did not know anything about the harshness of the world. He was now mourning the loss of those free and simple times. It was becoming even more embarrassing but his tears were not stopping no matter how hard he tried.

He was only able to calm down when he had cried so much that he felt completely empty and when no more tears would come anymore. Jiang Yanli patted his back for one last time and slowly released him from the hug. Mo Xuanyu immediately felt the loss of that comforting presence. However, he knew better than to reach out for her and demand more. What he had gotten was already largely enough.

Mo Xuanyu knew that he looked pretty bad, with his eyes all swollen from the tears and his cheeks red as tomatoes. He was an ugly crier and he was aware of that fact. He turned away from Jiang Yanli so she would not have to look at him. He did not want to repay her kindness by showing her something ugly.

He tried to clean his face with his sleeve, hoping that it would be enough until he would be able to get back to his room and wash himself with some cold water. Suddenly, Jian Yanli patted his shoulder and before Mo Xuanyu could even realize what he was doing, he was already accepting a handkerchief from her.

Once he had that soft and clean fabric in his hands, he did not want to use it for something like wiping his face. It was way too pretty for that. It was light purple and there were small intricate decorations of lotus flowers all around the edges. It was more of a piece of art than something to be soiled by tears.

Still, Jiang Yanli was looking at him with a worried expression and Mo Xuanyu could not very well just hand the handkerchief back to her. It would be rude. A little awkwardly, he whispered: "Thank you, I will wash it and give it back as soon as possible." It did not feel right to just use it and hand it back all dirty.

And so, after a short silent apology to the piece of art he was about to ruin, Mo Xuanyu almost sacredly unfolded it and used it to dab at his tears-stained cheeks. He did so very lightly and briefly. Only so much so Jiang Yanli would be satisfied.

Once he was finished, he turned back to her to thank her properly. The maiden was however faster than him. Before he even knew it, she smiled at him and thanked him instead for taking care of her brother. She asked for Mo Xuanyu to continue be there for him and he had nothing to add to that. It was what he had decided to do even without her asking. It however showed very well how much Jiang Yanli cared about her brother.

"I will try my best," promised Mo Xuanyu.

After that, silence reigned between them as he did not know what else to say. There were no words which they needed to exchange. They both wanted to be there for Wei Wuxian and they both would have to find their own ways to do so. Even if Mo Xuanyu was to ask for any tips, he would probably not be able to use them. The relationship between him and Wei Wuxian was after all different than between the two siblings. He would just have to discover his own way.

The silence did not have any time to become uncomfortable and there was already a gong announcing that lunch was ready. He quickly stood up and did not think too much about what he was doing when he offered his hand to Jiang Yanli. She accepted and he helped her up. Both of them hurried back to the mansion.

Mo Xuanyu's cheeks were still all flushed and even he could not tell if it was because of all the crying, his embarrassment or the fact that he had just touched a pretty girl all on his own.